Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Funniest headline of the week goes to… The Gazette-Times for: “Santiam Christian outlasts Harrisburg in Shootout.” The runner up was “Six Philomath football players arraigned Friday in ‘aggravated hazing’ incident” …and that’s pretty much because that one was totally true, and believe it or not, I do have some sort of actual sense of humor.

Ahem. As it turns out Peavy Hall, the ag’ed home of Oregon State University’s College of Forestry… well, the ol’ bastid’ is being torn down. However, contrary to popular belief, it will not be the new home for a fifteen-story, golden Coors Light WE ARE BELEAVERS statue. Nope, its fertile grounds will spread their heavenly legs to give way… er, forgot what I was saying. Oh yeah, to give way to some dirt and stuff on which to place a building that will be part of the department’s fancy new $65 million “Oregon Forest Science Complex.” Anyone else getting a Jurassic Park vibe?

In pure Blodgett fashion, a man from Blodgett apparently chased his own cow onto some woman’s property this passed 31st, then pulled out a pistol and threaten to kill it… only stopping when the woman said he could come get it. “God damnit cow, this is the last time you go on to ol’ Helen Whittaker’s property. Hasta la vista, bovine!” That’s the only way I can really imagine this scenario going down. Also haha “bovine.” And also Helen Whittaker was chosen at random, not being the actual name of the woman involved. I just felt the sentence needed a little flair. Not like, Chotchkie’s flair. Flair that is cool.

Also on the 31st of August, someone was tagged with a DUII around
9:30 a.m. (way to burn the midnight oil!). The woman in question, from Bend, was out at Golf City trying to break into a “vehicle.” Please don’t tell me it was a golf cart. Lady, you’re busting my balls. I just had a traumatic run on GTAV the other night that ended with me trying to snag the sh*ttiest car within ten virtual miles, a golf cart, and immediately getting stuck on a log where I was shortly thereafter surrounded by cop cars and then shot to death by a police helicopter’s sniper. I assure you, that was more a display of the Universe’s desire to embarrass me than any sort of skill set.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Please, stop off at the store for some biscuits and enjoy the rest of the issue!

By Johnny Beaver