Humpday News Roundup: The Devolution Edition

The latest recap of the news you may have missed… we’re assuming by accident.  

This is How it Feels to Win  

While Lake County is wallowing around at about 36% vaccinated or nearly vaccinated, Benton County has topped the billboard with 67% fully vaccinated and another 11% on the way. Hood River County is edging up on us at 66% fully and 11% nearly, so we want y’all to go on out there and get that needle in your arm, because we’re looking to stay number 1 in the state! [And, thanks everyone that’s been vaccinated, we feel safer knowing you’re our neighbors.]  

Oregon County Goes Legally Rogue  

Oregon’s very own Columbia County (one of those counties that borders Washington) recently voted in a measure that forbids local officials from enforcing many – let’s make that most – state and federal laws concerning guns. The measure even allows the county to impose fines on those who try to enforce those laws. “Second Amendment Sanctuary” laws have been voted in around the country after states began to consider stricter gun laws following several mass shooting events. Now, Columbia County is awaiting a judge’s decision about whether or not they can enact the law. A group in favor of the measure has pointed to the Portland protests-turned-riots as a reason this measure is simply a means to protect oneself. What could possibly go wrong?  

How To Be a Law Maker  

Now that Election Day has passed us by, we want to know if anyone out there has a really nifty idea for a new law. You see, Oregon has this “Petition Process” available to our citizens whereby they can try to get something new in the law books. Interested? If you live in Benton County, all you need to know if right here  

MicroSoft Board Investigated Gates  

The Board of Directors for MicroSoft Corp decided in 2020 that one William Henry “Bill” Gates III was no longer welcome to play with them. Bill spent too much time playing with a certain other MicroSoft employee, making the Boardmembers feel left out. They felt so left out, they hired a lawyerperson to tattle on Bill and his other friend. Bill decided he didn’t like the Boardpeople anymore, so he took his toys and went home. When asked by The Wall Street Journal about the fight, Bill said he could have whatever friends he wanted and that even when he stopped being friends, they still got along just fine so it wasn’t any business of the Boardpeople and they were just being rude.   

Gaetz-Gate Co-Conspirator Pleads Out  

Things got grimmer for Florida Representative Matt Gaetz when another Florida politician plead guilty to six federal charges and agreed to cooperate with the investigation. Gaetz is being investigated for child sex trafficking. Gaetz has admitted to having had sex with “at least one” underage girl who was paid and had relations with other men [making that legal in Florida?]. The investigation has gently puffed its way into the arena of medical marijuana and the use of political influence. Surprising none, Gaetz continues to proclaim his innocence in all matters, just don’t look in that box it’s where he keeps his stash and photos of his, um, his fiancée – yeah, his fiancée, that’s it.  

Mask Up or It Won’t Go Up  

Looking for another reason to get vaccinated for COVID-19? How about long-lasting erectile dysfunction. At least one study conducted said that many men were not getting the vaccine due to “fear of emasculation.” Irony, thy name is SARS-CoV-2 [that’s the real name of Covid]. In two – count’em 2 – scientific studies conducted on two – still count’em 2 – continents, they reached the conclusion that COVID-19 can cause a man to no longer be able to… well, you know. Additionally, this very special symptom may last longer than the standard issue COVID symptoms do. To add insult to injury, this uniquely male problem occurs more often in men who also have diabetes, hypertension, or obesity.  

Remember the Mean Girls in High School?   

Well, some of them go on to congress, like Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, who took a video of herself talking about Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (aka AOC). The Georgia blond has had it out for the New York Latina since before she came to D.C. and it’s gotten worse ever since no one anywhere started calling her MTG. In February of 2019, Greene visited AOC’s office, taunting the Dem through her mailbox slot saying “get rid of your diaper” and calling her “crazy eyes” and “nutty” then mocking AOC and staff for having their door locked. [Gee, I wonder why they locked the door?] Greene later emailed CNN after they published a story about her antics saying “Members of Congress and all government employees are employed by the taxpayers of this country.” In response, AOC said that she feels Greene is “deeply unwell and clearly needs help.” Greene also visited the office of Representatives Maxine Waters, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib – the latter two of whom she called unofficial due to their religion of choice. It was just one of those nutty-crazy-eyed adventures one has before they run for office in Georgia… apparently.  

The Honor System Takes Another Hit  

The University of South Carolina is looking for a new president. The no-longer-current president, retired Army Lieutenant General Robert Caslen, took to the socially distanced stage in front of the socially-distanced graduating class, and read a speech largely copied from Admiral William McRaven – the Navy SEAL who oversaw the mission to kill Osama bin Laden. The first clue as to the copy-cattery of Caslen came when he called the graduating class the “newest alumni from the University of California.” McRaven gave his version of the speech in 2014.  

Car Batteries vs Teihm’s Buckwheat  

In less than four decades, the human race went from discovering Teihm’s buckwheat to nearly obliterating it. Why, you may ask? To make electric vehicles. Scientists want to look harder at the buckwheat, many believing that it could hold significant benefits to people. For one thing, it can grow in unlikely places like soils filled with boron and lithium. That’s kind of the problem. Electric car batteries need lithium and people are willing to destroy a species to mine it out of the ground where this yellow-flowered plant grows. But, heck, if the environment needs us to kill off this plant and mine 42 times as much lithium as was mined in 2020, then what can we do?  

In Entertaining News  

In a new attempt to seem woke, Tom Cruise returned his three Golden Globe awards to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association after they came under fire for too few diverse members. It seems the HFPA has zero Black members, while the world at large has many, many millions of Black members, and the discrepancy was recently noted making people in the entertainment industry feel awkward-AF. Joining Cruise is Scarlett Johansson who has been nominated five times and NBC who is refusing to air the awards next year. In other news, awards shows have been tanking in the ratings for 2021, making NBC’s move to not air the Golden Globes a bit more self-serving than originally perceived.   

In Entertainment News  

In a new version of the movie “Promising Young Woman” – this one in Italian – the voice actor who dubbed the part played by Laverne Cox [a trans woman who is just so totally amazing that I just cannot even] was a man named Roberto Pedicini – you know, as opposed to a woman like Laverne Cox. Universal Pictures, who made and distributed the movie, has apparently done the same thing with editions dubbed in Spanish and German. Universal has apologized to Ms. Cox, is redubbing the film, and has said, “We are deeply grateful to Laverne and the transgender community for opening our eyes to a bias that neither we nor many in our industry had recognized.” In other news, most women do not want to be voiced by men in films.   

What the Cluck are They Feeding This Guy?  

At 111 years and 124 days old, Dexter Kruger became the longest living Aussie man. His long life might be credited to his simple life living on a cattle ranch – that’s what his 74-year-old son thinks. Or it could be that he eats chicken brains every day. Whatever it is that is keeping him alive, he only has to reach 114 years and 149 days to be the oldest Aussie ever. [Now Toby wants chicken brains]  

Matters are Bad for Iranian LGBTQ+  

A gay Iranian man is believed to have been kidnapped and beheaded by family members. Ali Fazeli Monfared was last in contact with his mother when he traveled to his home town to pick up a military exemption form and sell a cell phone. His body was reportedly found by a palm tree shortly after. He had planned to join his partner, Aghil Abyat, seeking asylum in Turkey. Military service is compulsory in Iran, although a person can be exempt if they are gay as homosexuality is considered taboo in Persian culture and can be punishable by death. RIP Ali, you deserved better.  

Matters are Worse in India  

India is in a desperate place. The spike of COVID cases and deaths have been on the nightly news… well, nightly. Now, they’re contending with something called “black fungus,” although the science-y name is mucormycosis. It is a rare and dangerous fungus caused by mucor mold that generally affects the eyes, nose, and brain. The mold, which can have a 50% mortality rate, may be being triggered by the steroids used to save the lives of the sick by opening up the lung tissue. Mucormycosis progresses quickly, attacking blood vessels and live tissues. India currently has millions of cases of COVID-19 and more than a quarter of a million deaths.  

And to Make Matters Better…  

Over 100 German priests have defied the Vatican in order to bless same-sex marriages. Pope Francis, who had previously said “Who am I to judge” when asked about gay people seeking God, who has been a more popular Pope than many before him, said in March that God “cannot bless sin” when asked about Catholic clergy being allowed to bless gay unions. In response to this new edict, the 100+ Catholic officiants stepped up, crossed themselves (we’re assuming here) and married a bunch of people who happened to both be of the same sex. One of them even spoke up and said that the church has lost touch with the “living reality” of LGBTQ+ people. They are calling this the “Loves Wins” initiative – in German that’s “Liebe Gewinnt.”   

If You Could Just Fork Over the $19,500 Now  

You know that old sofa your folks have that you’ve grown so used to over the years and have come to think of it as just a semi worthless eye sore? An Illinois woman understands. She was given that sofa, and it was in three pieces, and she sold it for $500. She later found out that the couch in question was actually a rare design by Vladimir Kagan worth $20,000. Guess that explains why the gentleman who bought it was so quick about getting his hot little hands on it.   

By Sally K Lehman