Humpday News Roundup: Post-Pandemic Fun Edition

The latest recap of the news you may have missed… we’re assuming by accident.  

Get a Shot for Getting Your Shot 

In a let’s-all-get-this-done kind of effort by Samaritan Health Services, the vaccination event at Boulder Falls Center in Lebanon is giving every vaccine recipient a $5 voucher for the connected 1847 Bar & Grill. You even get your choice of Pfizer or J&J. This drop-in event is open to anyone 12 or older, and anyone 15-18 does not need parental approval… for the shot of medicine, the other kinds of shots will still fall under the laws of Oregon… for more info call 855-441-2311. 

While Eugene Preps for Trials… 

TrackTown USA – aka pretty much all of Eugene – announced that with the recent changes to the COVID restrictions, they expect people in the stands for the Olympic Trials. The words “shifted significantly” and “maximize attendance” were only slightly tempered with words like “keeping participants and community safe.” It makes sense! We all want to get back to normal life, and a bunch of people bought tickets to the trials anticipating a normal-ish sports event. TrackTown has offered up a new ticketing plan for those with tickets who want to keep them, want a refund, want to see their kids from better seats, or want to just get in.   

The Japanese Beg for Cancellation 

While Eugene – like other places worldwide – are getting ready to tryout athletic skills for the Olympic Games, several Japanese newspapers are asking, begging, pleading for a cancellation. Most recently, the liberal-leaning paper, Asahi Shimbun, has called on Japan to reexamine their choice to hold the games. While Asahi often opposes the currently ruling party of Japan, they were also signed up to be sponsors of these Games. Yet they came out with an editorial that read in part, “We demand Prime Minister Suga to calmly evaluate the circumstances and decide the cancellation of the summer event.” Some news organizations worldwide have suggested that the International Olympics Committee is forcing Japan to go forward with the event partly because they make up to 75% of their funding through the Games being played. [Side note here: We used to have all of the Games played in a single year, so couldn’t we just do that again next year? Things should have settled some by 2022, and Beijing is so close to Japan… jussayin’.] 

More Rules for Wildlife 

Remember how you’re not supposed to come up to strangers and pet their children? How when you try to take them home with you, they call it “kidnapping”? Or how that time when you were forcing open that kid’s mouth to see if he had any teeth come in, that the Safeway called the cops and had you arrested? The same goes for deer and elk children. The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife is asking, politely, that you leave deer fawns and elk calves where you find them, because their moms are probably nearby foraging or just sort of freaked out that some human has approached and won’t leave their baby alone. BTW it’s also illegal to mess with them so… ya know? 

Brown Vetoes Lane Splitting 

So, true story, I was driving on I-205 the other day going a speed that was sort of the speed limit, when not one but two motorcycles zoomed between the far-left lanes of traffic. Had the semi or the delivery truck in front of me been changing lanes, there would have been a fatality – especially since both cyclists were wearing t-shirts and jeans rather than leathers. It’s called “lane splitting” and it works some places as a means to lessen traffic when things are stalled (which they weren’t) provided the bike is traveling at no more than 10 mph faster than the other traffic (they were going significantly faster). Californians have been doing it since 2016 (earlier than that, really, but it was made legal in 2016). So, some Oregonians thought we should do it as well. Unfortunately for them, one Oregonian disagreed. Despite the testimony of several citizens concerning the safety of this practice, Gov. Kate Brown chose to veto the bill citing concerns for safety. In other news, if you ride a bike and don’t wear the right clothes, you can literally rip your skin off your body – it’s called degloving and do not Google it because ick! 

Don’t Try This Anywhere 

TikTok became the ubiquitous app of the pandemic. People recording themselves doing this-and-that-kinds-of-stuff so other people could watch and learn, or watch and copy. It’s the “copy” part that we’re concerned about today. A TikTok video of someone drawing on a mirror with flammable liquid then setting it on fire inspired a 13-year-old girl from Portland, Oregon to attempt the trick. She’s in the hospital with third degree burns. It’s going to take her months to get back to some semblance of normal. The app has a record of pulling videos which might cause harm, but they hadn’t gotten around to that one yet. You can help out the family by contributing to their GoFundMe 

Bundy’s Head Still Ugly 

Malheur County Unwantable, Ammon Bundy, who ABC News kindly referred to as a “political activist,” wants to be the governor of Idaho. He originally wanted to run for Treasurer, but wasn’t allowed to because he was not registered to vote. So, he decided to run for governor instead, registering to run on May 21 and planning an announcement for it on June 19. [Yes, that would be Juneteenth, folks – wonder why he chose that date, huh?]  

One small problem with all of this –  

Ammon Bundy is not allowed at the Idaho State Capitol. An order dated August 26, 2020, states that Bundy will be arrested for trespassing if he attempts to come to the Capitol before August 26, 2021. He can arrange with the Capitol security if he really, really needs to go there before his year of exile is over. 

New Army Hair Rules  

Good news for women in the Army. That unflattering, hair pulling, facelift mimicking excuse for a bun is no longer the only style available to you while in uniform. Female soldiers are now also allowed to wear a single ponytail, two braids, or a single braid. They’ve also noted that locks, multiple braids, twists and cornrows can be brought together in one or two braids or a ponytail. The Advocate wants to salute this acknowledgement that not only do women serve, but Black women serve. 

In Other Army Grooming News… 

Also allowed – natural-colored highlights, lipstick and nail polish in “non-extreme” colors, and earrings. For men, clear nail polish is now allowed. 

Hot Vax Summer of 2021  

The summer of 2021 is going to be one for the record books for some businesses. First of all, the cost of a plane ticket to get out of your home town and back into the real world is going higher – hitting pre-pandemic rates or more, because domestic leisure travel is back! Secondly, that pandemic drunk we were all floating in isn’t leaving us behind; hard liquor, spiked seltzer, and champagne are the drinks to be imbibing in the heat – if it’s got bubbles, it’s what’s working. For thirdsies there are clothes – like all the clothes that we didn’t get to wear because no one was seeing us – and demand has hit Macy’s, H&M, and Anthropologie hard as ladies are looking for dresses, plus David’s is selling wedding gowns with a vengeance. To go with those gowns – lipstick has become the new craze as masks are being left behind in favor of lips going on for days. Where are you gonna wear that dress with those red-hot lips? To dinner and a concert, of course! Folks are tired of their own cooking and they want to hear something live, so the venues are prepping to open back up after a very long year of everything being closed. And the last big business opportunities for the summer are for condom sellers, because people can finally leave their homes and don’t want to have to be stuck there again for a very long time indeed.  

No, Canada is Not Tricking Parents   

The Associated Press has been digging into some weird lies going around concerning vaccines. The strangest in the minds of the staff at The Advocate is that Canada is tricking unsuspecting parents into bringing their kids to the vaccine clinics, then holding the desperate and struggling adults back while they bribe the children with ice cream and nefariously inject life-saving liquid into their soft, adolescent biceps while throngs of people struggled to save the poor innocent babies. The real story? There was a pop-up clinic for kids, ice cream was offered, 2,500 Canucks got the shot, a handful of people demonstrated against it. It’s far less interesting stated that way, isn’t it?   

By Sally K Lehman