Humpday News Roundup: New & Old Friends Edition

The latest recap of the news you may have missed… we’re assuming by accident.  

Beat the Heat With an Important Doc 

Wondering what to do over the long, hot day? How about you read the Constitution. Not that antique one that created the United States of America, and definitely not the racist one that set up Oregon as a state [it was very bad for our BIPOC humans], but try reading the Corvallis Constitution! There are seven whole chapters awaiting your wondering eyes and all of it is available on the City website. Take a wander through the thing and learn about our fair city. There’s nothing like learning stuff to make the heat seem unimportant. 

The Heat Is Not Unimportant 

More than 100 people died in Oregon due to our little heat wave. and another wave is on its way to take more lives. Two of those people lived in Linn County. You know, that county right next door! The hardest hit have been people without A/C and the homeless, so please look in on your neighbors or give a bottle of water to someone for no danged reason other than brotherly love. We need to take care of each other through this.   

Voodoo Not Making Friends  

The Voodoo Doughnut shop in downtown Portland is not looking too good. During the heat of Monday afternoon, three workers – who incidentally were not able to unionize at that location earlier this year – left to join the picket line out front. The store remained open with others continuing their shifts. The inside temperature at the shop had reached 96 degrees at points over the weekend despite air conditioning, yet the big corporation that bought Oregon’s little doughnut enterprise hasn’t fixed that. All three who went to strike were fired.  

Are DC Antics Back? We’re Not Sure 

In case you were missing the fun and excitement from the Trump years in DC, Kamala Harris is possibly turning things around for you. Something that is being called a “dysfunction” within the VP’s office has erupted into a series of kinda-maybe-might-be internal conflicts. Chief of Staff Tina Flournoy is perhaps the cause of the presumable problems, even though everyone involved wants everyone not involved to know that there isn’t anything to see and we should all just disregard the rumors. Vice President Harris is focused on the agenda set for her and the President’s term of office and will not be commenting on the supposed troubles possibly within her office, because they are theoretical at best. [I mean, Pence would’ve condemned someone to H-E-Double-Hockeysticks by now, right?] 

Nearly-Luckiest Man in the USA  

Stephen Toto might be the semi-luckiest man in the world. He recently bought a $30 scratch-off lottery ticket at a convenience store in Massachusetts and won $1 million. This is the second time this has happened to him in four short years. Had he won the Powerball twice, we would be calling him the absolute luckiest.  

New Word Alert: Blackfishing  

In her video for “I Am The Strip Club,” singer Aussie Iggy Azalea is accused of “blackfishing” – meaning she’s a white girl who has tanned a lot and been made up to look like a person of color. The issue being, of course, that this is considered the new “black face” and as a singer she should remember that Vaudeville has passed and left us to be better people. Azalea, of course, is denying the haters and says she looks that way because of lighting. Unfortunately for Azalea, claims that she appropriates Black culture have followed her for her entire career, but she just happens to look Black in dark rooms with red lights while wearing a black wig and is obviously completely innocent of all rumors and charges … of course. 

Fireworks Kill 

A goaltender for the Columbus Blue Jackets – a hockey team based in Ohio – died due to hot tubbing while fireworks were being lit. It seems that whoever in Novi, Michigan was lighting the things miss-aimed and the mortar blast hit 24-year-old Matiss Kivlenieks in the chest, causing internal injuries. [Be careful with those things. Please.] 

Not Your Normal Wake Up Call 

An Atlanta woman woke to find a cat on her bed, about six inches from her face. And it wasn’t like when Mr. Boots cuddles up close with a good morning purr, nudging you with his forehead to get a chin scratch. The cat Kristine Frank found came in when her husband left the door open, and was actually an exotic cat normally found in Africa. The serval sitting on Frank was about two-and-a-half feet long, and it escaped when Frank’s husband came back into the bedroom. The rare-for-North-America cat is being tracked by local animal experts. BTW you’re not actually allowed to own exotic animals as pets in Georgia – no matter how cute they are. 

In Other Unusual Guest News… 

In Gunbarrel, Colorado, a bear climbed in through a window, munched on some cat food, then left on its own through the same window. The people living in the house were home at the time, but were unhurt. It seems the people in Colorado are somewhat used to living with the critters – they have bear-proofing services. 

In More Animal News… 

Sad news from Poynette, Wisconsin. The world’s tallest horse, a 20-year-old Beligan named Big Jake, passed away. This horse weighed in at 2,500 pounds and stood 6-feet-10-inches tall – that’s 20.5 hands for the horse people among us. Big Jake was included in the Guinness Book of World Records in 2010.  

It’s in the Eye of the Beholder 

It only took a decade for the government of Tennessee to realize it had issued an offensive vanity plate… if it is offensive. Leah Gilliam of Nashville insists that her plate which reads 69PWNDU refers to 1969 – the year of the moon landing – and the gaming terminology one uses when they win – pwned you. The state has required Gilliam to return the plate or she will not be allowed to renew her registration. Gilliam has told the state of Tennessee “you’ve been served” as she is suing them. Wonder what Tennessee sees when they look at that plate. 

Banned For Their Own Good 

If you’re looking to go to Florence, Italy to meet one of the locals and fall helplessly in love over espresso amid a crowd of Italian-speaking, well… Italians, then you’ll have to wait. After the extreme toll COVID took on the people in Italy, the city of Florence has announced that locals are banned from tourist-y nightlife for fear of variants. The Florence Folks are also banned from Piazza Strozzi, Santa Croce, Piazza S.S. Annunziata, and the basilica of Santo Spirito – all big tourist places. Granted, that swarthy love interest of yours might already be out at a restaurant or bar and that would be totally legal, but otherwise you’ll have to find them between the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. – when they’re allowed out. The fine for disobeying the ban is $475 to $1,185… but, you know, in Euros. 

Ain’t Science Grand  

There’s a new eye-bender in town. An optical illusion designed by Michael Karlovich that the scientist-guys are calling the “scintillating starburst” which is made from a series of concentric wreaths on a white background. Stare at it long enough and you’ll see rays of bright “light” – shall we call them beams? LiveScience says that you see the beams because the brain connects the dots between points in the wreaths. Thanks, scientist-guys for ruining the fun for the rest of us.  

By Sally K Lehman