Oregon Backwash: Woah, Nelly?

High Speed Car Chase With Pew Pew

Woooah nelly. Okay. I take back everything I ever said about Washington being Oregon’s boring hat (not really). Remember that speedy shootout that happened back in early February? Well, let me give you the quick rundown.

It was a dark and stormy night, and crime was afoot. A few lightnings happen and thunder rolls across the land. A dragon roars in the background. A truck speeds away from a Washingtonian police recruit on patrol, and in the passenger seat (of the cop car, not the truck, you fool!) was veteran officer James Porter. He has an eyepatch because it’s cool. As they cross into Oregon via the 205, KBLAMMO!, a shot rings out, and Porter knew it was now or never. “Gun it, rookie. I’ve got this sh*t.”


As the speed chase intensifies, going well over 200 mph, Porter returns fire at the criminals through his own windshield. Forty shots ring out before they swerve onto I-84 and… and… AAAAND…. Some other stuff happens. It was extremely exciting. The action comes to a close when other police put an end to things by ramming the truck into a concrete barrier. Womp, womp, wooooooomp. One of the baddies goes flying from the car. Porter looks up with a grin, debris stuck in his face, and pops off some kinda awesome one liner.

Alright, well, that may have been embellished a bit, but you get the gist. They were after some poop named Erkinson K. Bossy who was wanted for killing a clerk in Kelso a short while ago, and the officers were afraid of what might happen if they let him get off the freeway and potentially into a hostage situation, or worse. It seems like some pretty extreme action, to fire off that many rounds at a moving vehicle while in a chase, but I suppose that’s why they’re investigating it still, as they do.

Whenever a cop shoots someone, whether they’re injured or killed (so far nobody has died here), it’s normal to take the investigation in front of a grand jury to be sure the action is justified. I guess we’ll find out about this year.

And if we don’t, I’ll be happy to make some more stuff up. I like my version better, anyway.

Naked Guy Threatens Middle School With Axe

Jonathan Messare has made a few poor life choices. Haircut? Check. His love of the horribly mediocre Gossip Girl? Check. However, the greatest of his mistakes probably involved stabbing a cop at a Portland middle school last Wednesday, and then having his stockpile of guns, including a semi-auto handgun, a .38, a shotgun, and an AR-15, discovered by intrepid police officers. Also squirreled away was a bunch of “tactical gear,” which we take to mean dildos.

Before the attack on the cop occurred, Messare had taken it upon himself to get completely naked on the baseball field and shout obscenities about his dangley-bits. He had a hatchet and a couple of knives on him, but tossed all but one (his favorite knife?) before rushing police. The cop was stuck in the hand, but is doing just fine.

Messare was taken for a mental health evaluation, and then promptly chucked in jail, as they do with all people who need mental health evaluations. Cynical? I don’t think so. The dude was butt as* naked on a baseball field with a hatchet.

Lucky Bastard Gets Free Taco Bell

Jeremy Taylor, I hate you. Who is this guy? Well, he took his Toyota 4Runner up to the Deschutes National Forest when he had no business going there (classic Oregonian move), got stuck in the snow for five days, and only survived by feeding himself and his dog Taco Bell hot sauce packets. Well, it didn’t say he fed them to the dog, but that’d be messed up if he didn’t, right? Unless he was planning on eating the dog…

Either way, this damned fool got the attention of Taco Bell and now he’s getting free food for a year.

There are a million reasons why I could say this is pissing me off right now, but the number one reason is that I’m really in the mood for a couple of Cheesy Gordita Crunches, and I have to pay for them because I’m not a moron.

The world is a cruel place, and now we know why Donald Trump is President.

By Sam Campbell