Oregon Backwash: Takin’ a Dump Edition

“Epic Dump”
Of snow, or so said the recent Oregonlive headline that celebrated some sort of huge snowfall that has all the skiers abuzz. Well, guess what jackas*es? There wasn’t a single bit of the white, fluffy crap up near my Beaverton bungalow. So what was supposed to be a snow day at Portland State University, and then a snow week, turned into a huge snow-less disappointment that has me wanting to crawl up into the hillside so I can hunt Jack Frost down and kick him straight in the nards.

Seriously, we need to rip Oregon from the earth and move it up above Washington. Sure, we’ll squish some Canadians, but we have to do something about this “SNOOOOW…. Oh wait, no snow” bullsh*t, and the stupidly hot, sticky, sweaty, greasy summers. There are freakin’ fir trees and mountains and stuff all over, so what the hell? Somebody done goofed, putting this state down here.

I’m going to backtrace them.

Consequences will never be the same.

Junkie Rips Off Apple Store
You know Apple stores, right? Those big glass boxes where creepy losers hang out for hours on end playing with homogeneous tech? That sh*t’s weird, I’m just saying. But the point here is that some dude named Todd Anthony Billinghurst (sort of a hillbilly meets high society kinda name) was caught stealing stuff from a downtown Portland Apple store on a daily basis, all so he could afford the $150-a-day worth of heroin. Wow, what a gobbler!

His plan was genius: wait until the security guard went to go poop, run in, grab stuff, then run out. And it worked for quite a while, right up until a copy recognized him from surveillance cameras exiting a Starbucks toilet. Not as in the guy was coming out of the toilet, but out of the bathroom. But boom, busted.

Apparently, he stole over a hundred Bose headphones and Apple Airpods – two horrible sounding sets of headphones known for their ear fatigue, yet you fools keep buying them. I guess people like Toddy-boy here have to keep up their drug habits somehow.

Last thing I’ll note here is that the guy’s hair is a 1980s wet dream. You’ll have to look it up. Very Crispin Glover, with a little bit of The Cure for good measure. It’s a good look.

Speaking of Oregonlive
Here’s a list of each headline I just saw in their Recommended list, in order:

There Is One Protein That Can Restart Your “Fat Burner”, And No, It’s Not FishGundry MD

Family of suspected homicide victim says she was found in car’s trunk

If Your Dog Licks Its Paws (Do This Every Day) Dr. Marty

Woman’s body found off Oregon coast; troopers ask for help with ID

Veterinarian: Add This One Thing To Your Cat’s Food To Help Them Be Healthier

We all have to do what we have to do to stay in business, but the next time you turn your nose up at Oregon Backwash, just remember that I don’t sandwich paid insertions like tips about your dog’s paws next to stories about people dying…

No Tips to Keep Your Cats from Barfing
Do you have cats that barf? Boy howdy, don’t we all! You groom them with one of those brush mitts, raise the food dish, change the brand, and issue them threats in your native tongue that they don’t understand. None of it works, and how! And the little bastards refuse to do it on the tile, don’t they? Always on the &^@! carpet, or the couch, or the bed, or in your pillow case. The big one? Barfs up hair, sometimes coughs it into its mouth and then swallows it again. The little one? Streams of liquid bile. The medium one? Nothin’ but chowder, my friends. Oh look, here comes the big one… is he… no…. yes… yep. He ate one of the other one’s barfs.

I don’t know where I was going with that, but at least I speak the truth.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Sam Campbell

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