Oregon Backwash: No Surprises

Crazies Flock to Portland For Crazy Thing
It’s a bird, it’s a plane… it’s the Gathering of the Juggalos! Nope, none of the three. It’s freakin’ Wizard World, and for a weekend plus, Portland will be overrun with a Roman legion of nerds dressed up as everything from Doctor Who to Pickle Rick, to lord knows what in between. Why? You got me. These freaks need to get out of their parents’ basements and live a little. Okay, so some celebrities are showing up… who are the big A listers? Codpiece Mcgillicutty, or as us plebeians know him, Jason Momoa. Oooh, ahh. It’s all been downhill for this jerk since Stargate Atlantis. Fact.

Then we have Melissa Benoist from Supergirl – the least terrible of the godawful CW channel DC Comics shows. Whee. And wait, who is it… Tyler Hoechlin from Teen Wolf? Wow, the non-star that actually sucks way more than Dylan O’Brien. Yippee! And according to Oregonlive, we’re also getting “nine stars from ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer.’” I’m guessing it’s the new “Buffy”, considering the “nine stars” reference instead of any actual names.

Maybe if this were free, I’d choke down a few buzz balls and make a day of it, people-watching all you losers, but holy crap: this *&%@! thing costs $120 for the weekend, and up to $430 for some kinda VIP treatment. What, do you get to get your as* kicked by Jason Momoa in front of a green screen so they can CGI your hair?

TO HELL WITH YOU ALL. And no, this isn’t a desperate cry for help because I’m sad I can’t go. Not at all. Losers. Jerks. Buttholes. Damnit.

Pope Francis Declares Wrath of God on Child Abusers
Too little, too late. Maybe just turn these pieces of sh*t over instead of hiding them? I heard secular law has some good wrath behind it as well. Think back on the Archdiocese of Portland, circa 2004. Not perfect, but I’ll take it.

Just, Wow
Lydia Groenendyk was on the job and had to rush home to change clothes – not the first time this has happened to someone menstruating. Who gives a sh*t? Well, apparently some really huge turds at her job did, including the CEO of the company. Trailhead Marketing, everyone remember that name. Because this dingdong of a goof questioned why she wasn’t “prepared” and added “it sounds like you need to go to the doctor before you bleed out.” He allegedly went on to claim that he had no cause to apologize

(&@!(& &^@!@!>….B #*&!%@!(.

Groenendyk is suing the company and I truly, truly hope they’re stripped of every last bell and bob, and I don’t even know what the hell a bob is. This is just so beyond unacceptable. I hope this guy sh*ts his drawers and someone asks him to go get a colostomy bag on his way home from the diaper depot.

No Surprises Here
So in Oregon there’s this thing called a “court order,” and this one specifically goes like this: mentally ill folks who have been charged with criminal offenses must be sent to the state loony bin immediately. However, surprise surprise, this rarely happens. Apparently, some delays last over a month despite legal commandos being all like “no.” According to a report published on Oregonlive, folks following the proper channels failed over 200 times to get people transferred within the legal timeframe. That’s nearly 30 percent of all cases. As the kids would say, WTF?

A lack of beds, paperwork delays, transport delays, blah blah blah. The truth? Nobody gives a rat’s red hole about the mentally ill. Or rather, I should say that very few do. The criminal justice system is supposed to be about rehabilitation, but that’s obviously some kind of long-running gag. Tee hee haa ho.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell