Oregon Backwash: Just Another Day in the Neighborhood

Surfers Do A Thing, Coast Guard Subsequently Does Other Thing
Last week, the Oregon Coast Guard rescued a pair of surfers that got stuck in a cove on the side of a cliff near Cannon Beach. There were no magic fairies down there handing out Elixers Of Eternal Life, as it turned out. Once safely back on non-cove land they were like “nope, we don’t need medical attention brah” and meandered off down the road; presumably to do some surfer stuff.

My takeaway here is the precious knowledge that it is actually possible to need help somewhere outdoors in this state besides Mt. Hood. Or Uncle Gary’s annual BBQ Extravaganza.

Pin the Tail on the Heroin
Anyone here know Amberann Renee Lane, a thirty-something year old woman from McMinville? Let’s hope not, because aaaawwwkward. She was recently arrested for heroin possession and additional scans of her body detected a bunch of drugs “inside her.” KOIN6’s words, not mine. Unfortunately with that kind of reporting, it’s now up to the reader to guess where the drugs were with some sense of precision. Let’s see…

Ear?

Nostrils?

Eye socket?

Belly button (technically not inside, but whatever)?

Mouth?

Uh… hmmm. Must be one of those, because they’re the only entrances to the human body’s inner sanctum. There’s definitely not a hole in your butt or anything like that. That’d be ridiculous. Besides, the mouth makes sense. It’s big enough, and there’s that giant pit at the bottom full of acid that’ll try to dissolve whatever container the heroin is in. That sh*t pops? Free drugs!

SCANDALOUS!!!
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it another thing that’s often seen in the air, like maybe a wombat? No! It’s Duchess of somethin’ or other Meghan Markle’s half brother getting arrested in Oregon last week. For what crime, you desperately ask, tears welling up in your eyes? I don’t know, because I don’t give a rat’s as* and this isn’t news.

However, by the way… did you hear that Bono’s housekeeper’s third cousin took a dump in a rest stop bathroom somewhere along Oregon’s Interstate 5 route? Sound the alarm!

Oregon State Police Captain Resigns…
…after pleading guilty to assaulting his wife, who he was separated from, by violently “grabbing” her during a 2017 encounter. Really, just for grabbing? Next you’re going to tell me that officers of the law should not only follow said law, but engage in common decency, and be upheld to a higher standard for both? That people have a right to not be physically jerked around by complete as*holes?

Captain Bill Fugate was sentenced to two days in jail and two years of probation. I suppose if you’re ever arrested for something like this you can request the “Fugate” deal. I believe it comes with salted peanuts, a moist towelette, and extra leg room. Also what I’m guessing is a pretty stupid looking haircut, but I’m just guessing at this point.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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