Oregon Backwash, Feb 14

Where the Hell is Grant County?
Well, I’ll do you a solid right up front on this one and not tell you. You’ll understand in a moment, you will. Oh, you will.

Here’s a timeline!

1,200,000 BC: The sovereign powers above gift the land of Grant County to the future chosen colonialist horde.

2002: Said colonialists “successfully” ban the United Nations with 58 percent of the vote (that’s 4,151-ish actual human people, if you want to put it into perspective).

2002: Most or all of those same people also voted to be all like “Hey Bureau of Land Management, give us all of your titles to federal land, because of reasons.”

2002: They also passed a measure that banned the U.S. Forest Service from shutting down trails, roads, etc. I’m guessing because they want to endanger their children…

2002 Again: Post-voting, someone apparently called 911 because the McDonald’s was collecting money for the international children’s fund, UNICEF. Hashtag lolz. But really, this actually did happen.

Years Since: Lone dude Mark Webb goes to court a bunch of times to get idiotic measures tossed.

2019: Mark Webb fails to get the 2002 measures tossed, because he couldn’t prove he had been harmed by them, and now the morons are all empowered and ready to take on the government like that one time He-Man beat the living crap out of Superman. Only He-Man is cool and these people… just… no. Not so much.

Webb told reporters that he’s disappointed, but gets it. The measures are ludicrous and therefore not super enforceable, and you can’t really claim something that isn’t being enforced is causing harm. I guess the grand plan on this arm of the far right is what, to embarrass the hell out of themselves? Mission accomplished. Only, just to be sure, a co-sponsor of the bill by the name of Dave Traylor referred to the United Nations as being involved in “skullduggery.”

I’m assuming that’s just a fancy analog for “globalizing, re-educating, one-world-taxing, global hippyism.” Well played, crazy people. Well played.

IT IS UPON IS. Or maybe it’s gone by now, I dunno. I write these over the weekend. But just in case, be sure to check these items off your emergency preparedness list:

1. Get to the store and buy an excessive amount of bottled water and batteries. Just like that one time you hosted an orgy, only you don’t need any margarine this go-round.

2. Fill the trunk of your car with extra cell phone batteries, snuggly blankets, a survival kit, piss-based bear repellent, brass knuckles, grappling hooks, rocket launchers, a collapsible attack chopper, a microchip-controlled velociraptor, and a portable Blu Ray player with season 2 of Friends.

3. Contact friends and family in regions that see actual snow to let them know that yes, you’re in mortal danger, but thanks to your wits (and deciding to put chains on your Volvo in the middle of the *&%@! freeway) you’re going to be okay.

4. Be sure to forget about all of the people living on the street that are facing actual problems.

Oregon State Rep: No More
Vaccine Exemptions

In the wake of a measles outbreak that has now climbed to 56 confirmed infections, state Rep. Mitch Greenlick, D-Portland, has announced that he’s putting up a bill that will disallow Oregon parents to let their kids skip vaccinations before sending them to school. Currently you can be all like “naw bro, I want my kids to get sick and do some Typhoid Mary action because of philosophical and / or religious reasons.”

This is bound to stir up a lot of debate regarding religious freedoms, and the sooner the better. If you want to engage in public space, you should have to pay the piper. In this case, the piper is that dude at Walgreens that sticks you in the arm around flu season. Or no, probably not him. But you get my point. The piper is a person that administers vaccines, okay? Whoever the hell that is, that’s the piper I’m referring to.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell