Oregon Backwash: Conspiracy to Commit Stupidity

PDX Womxn’s March, 2019
This year’s PDX Womxn’s March went off without a hitch, traveling from the Portland State University South Park Blocks for about a mile to… well, they went in a big circle and sort of ended up where they started. But point being, all of the Proud Boys and douche bags and incels, the misogynists, racists, and buttholes apparently all ran and hid. And that’s what happens when you get 15,000 people together to march in support of women’s rights, seeking to “…harness the political and organizational power of diverse womxn (and our communities) to create transformative social change.” They just scurry off and probably stress-vomit before they plan a super brave attack on an outnumbered bystander somewhere.

A laundry list of awesome speakers were there, including Multnomah County Commissioner Susheela Jayapal, and Congresswoman Suzanne Bonamici. I know of a ton of people from Corvallis traveled up for it, and I hope you were one of them.

Oregon has a long history of total bullsh*t to overcome, but this is how you do it.

Horrible Crime, Meet Heavy Sentencing
Oregonian Billy Joe Smith, a 28 year old that looks like a rejected Joker from a fan-made Batman flick, was just sentenced to 25 years in prison for raping and impregnating an 11-year-old girl back in 2017. Idiot first tried to run after being charged, but was dragged back from Nevada by law enforcement. Twenty five years is a nice healthy sentence, but all I can think about is that he’ll be back out by the time he’s 53. With a criminal justice system as screwed up as ours is, raise your hands if you think any rehabilitation is going to happen?


It’s okay, I’ll give you a minute.

Proud Boys Go Down the Hoooooooole
Remember last June when a couple of rough n’ tough Proud Boys jumped a man, Timothy Ledwith, after a verbal altercation at a Portland stoplight? Yep, these two human poops hopped out of their truck after a brief verbal altercation (apparently, they were yelling “Build that wall!” at random as they drove around) and proceeded to give Ledwith a concussion and a split lip. Well, will wonders never cease, Proud Boys “Tiny” Toese and Donovan Flippo were just indicted for assault, and I think that’s both hilarious and overdue. Ledwith told Oregonlive that he has a distrust of the system, and while he didn’t really care if they went to jail or not, he wanted to do his part to reduce the amount of violence being perpetrated by the far right.

I guess tossing their as*es in jail when they commit crimes is a good start.

Portland Keeps Getting Ripped Off by the Weather
Despite all of the “most snow we’ve ever seen!” warnings, Portland got a measly inch total over the last few weeks. Some people are relieved, but others not so much. Here’s a short list of people currently angry at meteorologists:

1. People who like to watch other people freak out in two inches of snow and drive their cars off the roads, wrapping themselves in emergency blankets and putting up flares in case rescue choppers spot them.

2. Students who desperately need a break from their (&%@! classes.

3. People who specifically bought their cats plushie Triceratops outfits so they could drag them out into the fresh powder and watch them walk around all funny.

4. People who already hate meteorologists, and are onto their conspiracy to create a New World Order. If you’ve been wondering whether or not storm names were some kind of code, yes, yes they are. By the way, if you’re listening in the secret bunker: LINDA CHARLIE LUPE FRANKLIN JASPER.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell