Oregon Backwash

Washington News So Dumb It’s Relevant Even Down Here
In some Washington hole that time forgot called Edmonds, this guy, Ken Bellingham, owns a bakery. And from within that bakery’s bowels, he done hath birthed a bunch of heart-shaped cookies that said “Build the Wall” on them. Lo! And also hark.

Because said cookies are dumb, there was a lot of backlash and so he has said he’s going to stop selling them, but then like… changed his mind. Or something.

In an interview with local news superstars KOMO, he said “Am I supposed to be quiet because I can’t write what I want, or I can only write what they want or makes them happy? No. That’s not how it is. They can write whatever they want on their own cookie and I can do that on mine.”

Dude, let me level with you. You don’t want to go all first amendment over some cookies with an immature, un-cookie-related phrase on them (wtf does building a wall have to do with hearts?). Not because you shouldn’t be able to say what you want, no no, but because they’re UGLY AS SIN. Oh sweet lord, they’ve got the face even a mother cookie couldn’t love. They look like the kind of baked goods that are left over from an office party because everyone is afraid of getting hepatitis. They look like a sheet of fungal cheese pulled from in between the toes of a rotting elephant’s corpse.

They look like Donald Trump’s jowls.

Still, Bellingham claims there are people all over the country trying to buy them. And it doesn’t surprise me, really. Putting two and two together, the wall is not really getting built, so much as being used to drag federal employees through the sh*t… and these idiots, the biggest wall supporters, are putting all of their time and energy into buying stupid as* cookies. It’s practically Euclidean.

Keep up the good work, my dudes!

Biker Gang Goes Down the Hoooooooooole
You know, I always thought Racketeering was a sport, or something to do with the 1991 Joe Johnston masterpiece, The Rocketeer. Nope. Turns out it only has something to do with this Santa Claus-lookin’ biker, Kenneth Earl Hause, and other members of his Oregon and Washington based Gypsy Joker Outlaw Motorcycle Club. Hause, who is president of the club “nationally” is among those charged with trafficking meth (say it ain’t so!), assaulting rival biker dude teams, and even going after their own. Apparently, they would grab ex members and tattoo over their tattoos and be all like “there, now your tattoo is gone.” And then those guys would be like “So? Free tattoo.”

Or not.

Several members besides Hause were also charged with the Big M. That’s murder.

Anyway, they also got charged with this racketeering thing, and I don’t know what that is and I’m not going to find out because I’m lazy.

Jeremy Christian Rears Ugly Head, Accused of New Crime
Remember gigantic piece of sh*t Jeremy Christian? He’s the white nationalist who stabbed three men—Ricky John Best, Taliesin Myrddin Namkai-Meche, and Micah David-Cole Fletcher—killing Best and Namkai-Meche after all three stepped between Christian and two school age girls he was verbally assaulting with racist and anti-Muslim slurs on a MAX train in May 2017. Christian was in court Friday for something called a “motions hearing,” which translates to “one more step towards seeing if he’ll get the death penalty.” The last person to be executed in Oregon was Harry Charles Moore in 1997.

Better grab a Snickers, I guess.

State Rep. Cedric Hayden Proposes Mental Health Thing
House Bill 2831, as it is affectionately called, from Republican House Rep. Cedric Hayden (District 7), looks to create three respite centers as places for people to get help while having mental health crises. To be manhandled by the Oregon Health Authority, these centers are rumored to cost a couple of million buckeroos. The idea is that people suffering from mental illnesses might be better off getting actual help, as opposed to just offing themselves or winding up in jail. Not only that, but it’s cheaper than jail or hospital services by a mile. Proposed locations include Portland (dug), and then one somewhere in the south of the state, and one east of the valley.

I know, I know… it’s a radical idea. Way, way out there, man. But I think it has promise.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell