Oregon Backwash

Scam People Busted, Or Something
According to KATU2, the news that is On Your Side, there’s been some kind of crack in a multi-state thievery thingymabob. Baronita Zagor and Florentina Coman, two women with completely and utterly awesome names, have been arrested in a “quick-change scam.” I have no idea what that is, and apparently neither does KATU, because they didn’t say either. I might go look it up… eventually. As for now, I’ll continue to operate under the assumption that if you’re looking for actual hard data and information and stuff in the Oregon Backwash, then you’ve got worse problems than not finding any.

But yeah, they got caught trying to rip off a Winco customer service counter in Tigard – the city with an almost-cool name. Because Tigers.

Dude Runs Over Cop, Probably Regrets It
Meet Joten Uruo, who also has a cool name. Last Friday his crappy Chevy Colorado was pulled over when he reversed it and ran into a cop. Said copper went to the hospital but was released, so that’s awesome. Meanwhile, Uruo was caught and now he’s in some seriously deep sh*t, as he should be.

Just for a second though, imagine what Uruo was thinking. Did he suppose he’d somehow get away with it? Because like, cameras and stuff. Maybe he didn’t know about cameras.

Well, he does now.

Measles Outbreak in Clark County
Normally I’d say something like “I don’t know where the hell Clark County is, because Washington, but I’d stay away if I were you.” Only, if you’re one of the majority of not-dummy people who get vaccinated, you’ll probably be fine. Measles causes runny nose, rash, fever, cough, and butt explosion, and has apparently spread from a bunch of turds that don’t believe in science, as 27 of the 35 cases so far have been confirmed as being non-vaccinated folks. Thankfully, there have only been like two or three dozen places exposed, which isn’t bad considering this disease can literally hop across the room and into your membranes. And yes, it has jumped to Multnomah county.

Oops, and I guess it’s now in Hawaii, via Washingtonian kids (though they’ve been quarantined).

Just one person has been hospitalized so far, as of the time of writing this anyway, but I’d expect it to spread much further before it runs its course. Lots of crazies are about to experience Mother Nature’s wrath, and we can just hope the list doesn’t grow to include more children.

HOORAY!!!!!

Crater Lake to Reopen
Thanks to our Lord and Savior Donald F. U. Trump, the government is reopening and so is Crater Lake. Only I don’t care because holy crap do I not want to hike, let alone walk to the kitchen to get another beer and a Kraft single.

Did you know you can cover your face in those things and your body heat melts them into a cheese mask? Just saying.

Also, I guess I could mention that furloughed workers are now back on the job, which is awesome (not for them, well no, for them… but not for them) because apparently a gigantic mess accumulated during their “downtime.”

Washington Ranks High Among Smarties
Did you know that Washington has one of the most intelligently educated peoples across the country? Well guess what, brainiacs, if you’re so smart, why haven’t you moved to Oregon yet? Nerds.

#burn

Who Likes Meth?
Don’t all raise your hands at once. Oh, good good. It’s only one of you. Hey there, Frank Joseph Guida IV of Albany. What’s that, you just got arrested for selling $10,700 worth of meth? Oops.

While it’s always funny when drug dealers go down (unless they’re yours, amirite? I’m kidding. Seriously, that was just a joke.), my favorite part is when the Statesman Journal mentions how much a “hit” of meth is, and that this guy sold “1,700” “hits” of meth.

According to their meth math, a “hit” of meth is about $6.29. Granted, I guess that’s my meth math. And I’m sh*t at meth math. But like, that seems a little wrong. According to some random website, a “hit” is a “gram” and said “gram” goes for like $40-80, meaning at best a “hit” of half a “gram” would be like $20.

Is Oregon meth just super dirt cheap, or what the hell happened there? Inquiring minds want to know. Also, I’m probably just wrong. But if I’m right, and they’re wrong, then haha. Dumbas*es. Any tweakers wishing to clear this up can reach us at editor@corvallisadvocate.com.

Oregon Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell