This Week On Craigslist: Elusive Solicitations (Jan 4)

Someone in Albany wishes to inform you that, “A great philosopher has found 3 barriers to studying!!” and that, “These barriers can stop you cold from learning what you need to know to excel in life!!” but doesn’t feel like simply posting them on Craigslist. Whatever the three barriers are, excessive use of exclamation points seems like a candidate.

In the “Strictly Platonic” section of the Personals, there are three men seeking women to give them a massage – one specifying he wants a “sensual massage” and one offering to pay “a bit.” As a former massage therapist, I am “a bit” annoyed. As a man who knows what the words “strictly platonic” means, I am “a bit” more annoyed.

One of the things I like about Corvallis is that train tracks run right through town – but not as many train tracks as Albany. But someone who lives by the tracks wonders why the number of trains that run through town late at night seem to have doubled, from three to six. The poster jokingly suggests that a concentration camp has opened recently, which is silly – all American concentration camps are reached by airplane.

The “Salem Area Preparedness Group” is organizing to help people become ready to survive in the event of Solar flares, pandemics, tsunamis, or Socialism.

An “ABDL” (Adult Baby / Diaper Lover) is looking for a woman who will take him on as her little boy, diaper him and “un-potty train” him, and tend to all his needs. I’ve spoken with him by phone and he is quite confident that he’s going to find that woman.

Someone in Portland (probably not the electrified diabetic) is looking for a “serious investor” in a “multi-million-dollar invention,” but isn’t going to tell us what it is.

By John M. Burt