As the State Turns: Punch-Drunk Edition

Punch an Elderly Woman in the Face? Get Out of Jail Early

Jail overcrowding, jail overschmrowding. Am I right?


Thanks to jail overcrowding, one Filbert Mwezi Gacinya was just released despite having sucker punched a 90-year-old woman straight in the face. I mean, I knew he was out, but I thought it was because he was mistaken for the mutant offspring of a birthday balloon and a rat. Or a cross between a Bill Plympton cartoon and a uh…some…some kind of other balloon. I dunno, the guy has a balloon thing going on with his head.

Anyway, he’s out. Whee. And you should probably also know that he was spotted dropping his drawers and asking random people if they wanted to see his ding-a-long-dong-long before he switched gears and punched that woman.

You should probably also know that Gacinya has a history of mental illness, and was even determined to be incapable of defending himself in court at one point. This is what happens when nobody gives a rat’s as* about helping those suffering from mental illnesses.

Katelyn Elizabeth Cantrell, Ladies and Gentlemen
Let’s put two hands together for Katelyn Cantrell! It’s not every day someone gets confronted for stealing stuff from a yard sale and responds by pepper spraying the people hosting the sale in the face—and then chasing them with a knife. Thankfully, someone ran into the house and got a shotgun, which seemed to convince her to bail. Cantrell was arrested shortly thereafter.

If right about now, you’re thinking: “I bet she was on meth,” you’d be right. You’d also be right if you somehow had guessed that she reportedly freaked out on a Subway employee a while back and punched them in the face.

What the hell is with people punching people in the face?

Well, at Least He Didn’t Punch Anyone in the Face…
Joseph Charles Long of Coos Bay, what a modern gentleman. So he crashes his car—his two kids and girlfriend inside. She’s pinned, he tries to get her out with the help of a Good Samaritan, but they fail. He then goes: “Hey bro, you call 911. I’m getting the f*ck out of here, because I’ve got a warrant out for me.” What happens next? Long runs off into the woods and cartwheels through some bushes, never to be seen again.

Until last week, when he won an appeal that effectively said: “Okay, so you didn’t leave them alone that long, and there was that other guy there.” Apparently that is all you’ve got to have in order to skip out on your family in a crisis and not get charged with criminal mistreatment.

Reports show that Long had a number of previous convictions, including nine times for driving with a suspended license. How the hell does that even happen? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Humanity is totally insane, and planet Earth is doomed.

And You Thought We Were
Done With Punchers…

Roger Eikenberry was mad. Mad as hell! So mad that he punched a Portland street car, apparently causing some kind of damage. As OregonLive put it, he “walked up to the front of the streetcar and dealt it a powerful blow with his fist.”

A powerful blow. Yep, they wrote that. Damnit, someone is trying to steal my job.

Eikenberry was sentenced to pay a few thousand dollars, but he likely doesn’t give two sh*ts. He’s been fined many times before due to a gnarly riding without paying habit, and it just ends up in collections. Just in case you were wondering though, this guy doesn’t look like a balloon either. He looks more like a Q-Tip that’s just been pulled out and is covered in a glob of hot ear wax. A glob of hot ear wax with a spray-on beard.

Oregon’s Top Universities
According to a report by some kind of News and World thingamabob, Oregon schools have been ranked with numbers in terms of Best in the region and Best nationally. Because there’s no way you’ve both made it this far in this article and somehow still care about any of this boring crap, I’m saving you the pain by awkwardly changing the topic before actually saying anything of substance.

Not a Punching Thing, and Also Not Boring
Some guy somewhere in Clackamas County had to be hunted down and stopped by the hard-working sheriffs people in the area county…place. Why, you ask? Because he was riding his bicycle totally naked. By himself. Without a helmet.

And the bicycle appears to have actually been a tricycle. Also, his butt looked a little droopy. Couldn’t have been super great bouncing around on all that gravel without underwear.

This happened a month or so ago, which makes me fear for our culture. How the hell could this not have been outed and the story spread around sooner?

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell