As the State Turns: #Donutgate Edition

The Preface
Okay, okay. So I promised you a #donutgate edition—whether you wanted it or not—and I’m gonna deliver. But this was kind of a wild news week, so here are the highlights:

• A report came out that some woman was attacked up in Portland last month and the dude ran off after she pulled a concealed gun. Good for her! And of course, the entire gun rights crowd would be agape right now with me having said that. You know, because they think left wingers are evil and would rather have someone injured than saved by a gun. They would be if they weren’t off whackin’ the weasel, anyway. Because gun news.

• A teenager whose friend pushed her off an awfully high bridge around Moulton Falls (wherever that is…) was on the Today Show. She said the butthole who pushed her should seek jail time. I’d have to concur, since holy crap that was high, and the girl broke a bunch of ribs and suffered a punctured lung.

• Portland’s Police Chief Danielle Outlaw (real name) said a whole mess of dumb sh*t on a conservative talk radio thingy the other day, including a bizarre bit where she talked about having kicked whiny anti-fascist protesters’ “butts” and an even stranger portion where she suggests that the Patriot Prayer group and associated doofuses might not be white supremacists. Whatever you say, lady! Our mistake-—they’re only 97% Nazi.

If you’re not briefed on Donutgate, please do a Google search, as well as check out last week’s As the State Turns. Because I don’t want to repeat myself, you lazy bastard.

So! Fun fact: Donutgate isn’t all that new. As long ago as 2016, there have been conspiracies popping up online about VooDoo Doughnuts suggesting that the designs on their pastries referenced everything from Satan to child trafficking to freakin’ shapeshifters. All of this, of course, came from the kind of people that argue with each other about whether or not Hitler is living in secret on the moon or in the earth’s core. We can fit roughly about 1000 words on a page comfortably, and so I’ve had to stab right at the heart of the matter.

Here are the most telling comments from the original Donutgate YouTube video…

“Michael is one of the most credible people I’ve seen on this whole topic… he and Isaac Kappy have woken me up…Pedophillia is my one sticking point…murder robbery ALL crimes are awful…but to ABUSE a CHILD…especially sexual abuse absolutely MAKES ME MORE ANGRY THAN I’ve EVER BEEN!! People who sexually molest children and abuse them in ANY WAY….ARE EVIL!!!! PURE EXTREME EVIL…from The Clintons down to Seth Green & Tom Hanks & Stephen Spielberg….THEY ARE ALL EVIL PEOPLE…NOT EVEN PEOPLE!!! GOD HELP US TO BRING THIS EVIL TO HEAL! IN JESUS NAME…AMEN!“ said user Monica ky mama. This was only about half of the comment; had to truncate it for space. If you’re not sure who Isaac Kappy is, let’s just say he’s so bonkers that Alex Jones tried to tone him down when he was on his show.

BornA HawkEye writes, “Robots are not able to form critical thought (children) chicken equals little boy lover or little boy. Great job Michael you are very concise and how you speak is very astute. You’re an intelligent man and cannot wait to get you back with your child! You are very well loved and I just pray for you! :prayer emoticon:” And, I don’t… know what to say about that one.

Just above some talk about Macaulay Culkin’s pedophilia connections, Pizza_Dog offers up this tidbit of wisdom: “TUNNELS –> Voodoo Doughnuts + Comet Ping Pong + Congress Intern Abuse + McMartin Preschool –> PATTERN (For Example, Comet + Congress D.C. “Pedo Underground”: Dennis Hastert, Mark Foley, Barney Frank, D.C. Jefferson Building Tunnels… Barney Frank (Zionist In Congress) worked CLOSELY with Hank Paulson (Ex-Goldman Sachs CEO, US Treasury) and Ben Bernanke (Zionist FED Bankster) during 2008 financial crisis. Blackmail Is KEY… PEDO Rings ARE Linked To The TOP!)“

What does Trish Mac have to say? “If Trump had not been elected this lad would be dead. Trump is taking away the power of pedophiles. They are no longer receiving protection from Federal agents. We are witnessing the second ‘fall of the Roman Empire’. We are in safe hands for the first time in history.“ And she’s not the only one who evokes Trump and praises him for cracking down on…this pedophile ring…that apparently the police won’t crack down on.

Another one of my top picks comes from DeflatingAtheism: “Did Michael ever identify the art gallery where he saw the Voodoo Donuts people and Macaulay Culkin?” One person who responded said it “could be any of them,” because the left. And art. And atheists. And pedophiles. And uh…Macaulay Culkin? Something like that. I think Joe Rogan and Tom Hanks are in there a lot as well.

And then there’s the endless stream of “the police are in on it” comments, such as “Portland Police and all of Oregon is satanic. Many sources have informed me. This is common knowledge.” by Lara O’Neal. Someone who is clearly well connected.

At some point someone dropped a link that supposedly explains all of VooDoo’s imagery and how it relates to…stuff. It’s really long to paste here, but it’s worth typing out, trust me. This is the good stuff.

Fortunately, it doesn’t look like Donutgate is going to blow up like Pizzagate did, because the last thing we need is some lunatic busting in there with a gun, or any of the other establishments dumb-dumbs  are accusing of harboring child sex dungeons (hey there, Dante’s!) If only these goons would take their enthusiasm and use it for something constructive. Like, I dunno…maybe helping with real pedophile rings?

By Sam Campbell

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.