Rando Questionnaire #1
Maybe it’s Mindfulness, Maybe it’s Sweet Sweet Self-Indulgence
This survey is for people like me, who weirdly love answering random questions about themselves. It serves as a spin-off from one I made in high school and forced my friends to fill out, promising I’d psychoanalyze their answers and promptly provide a synopsis into each of their souls and psyches. Can you believe it? Those suckers actually believed me, with my teenage zero-grasp on even general psychology.
While I never held true to my promise, I am struck to this day by the variance in their answers, feeling I really did catch some window into their insides or something.
• Draw a house.
• What do you think is the source of all shame?
• Describe an interesting dream you once had.
• The strangest thing you ever saw a stranger do:
• Describe an interaction you’ve had with the police.
• You’re on death row. What’s your final meal request?
• Tell me everything you ingested today.
• Who or what do you secretly think about?
• In sensory detail, describe an orgasm.
• What kind of restaurant/business do you wish we had locally?
Feel free to tag us on facebook or twitter with your answers, or e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
By Stevie Beisswanger
The F*ck It Diet
No, We Don’t Mean Fudge. Or Do We?
Last year, losing weight and making healthier food decisions was the most popular New Year’s resolution, and I was no exception. New Year’s goal #1: eat healthier by starting a ridiculously restrictive diet. Think Paleo Diet on steroids. Basically, the hubby and I could eat wild or grass-fed meat, and vegetables.
But not all vegetables. We couldn’t have nightshades, which include such gems as tomatoes, bell peppers, and delicious, starchy potatoes.
Our average meal included steaming cups and cups of broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini, then topping it with some roasted chicken and a whole mashed avocado. That meal rounded us out at a whopping 450 calories.
I sh*t you not, we were counting calories to make sure we were eating enough.
Not to mention our grocery bills were out of control. As previous vegetarians, we are used to buying a lot of produce, but this was a whole new ball game. We spent $100 on our first grocery trip, ran out of fish and most veggies by the third day, so we went back and spent another $75. All in all, we spent well over $200 to feed two people for less than a week.
You know how many pounds of rice and beans you get for $200? A lot.
My typically sugar-addled brain was no longer dreaming up all the muffins and cookies I could fit in my mouth; instead I imagined fajitas on fresh corn tortillas loaded with pico de gallo, peppers, and sour cream.
After a week of this nonsense (well, maybe it was five and a half days…), I came home to find hubby sipping an All Day IPA with a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and thus began the new stage of the diet: the f*ck-it stage.
Unsurprisingly, we are much happier now. We no longer have to check calories because popcorn and beer exists in our world, and to top it off, I get all the fajitas I want. Suck it, New Years. 2018 is going to be awesome.
By Kristen Edge
The Sheet Hole Faces
A Poem by Kevin Ahern
The KKK all say that they
Don’t like the non-white races
And hate the folks that come from what
They say are “shithole” places
But I would rather have the things
An immigrant embraces
Than anything the Klanners do
With all their sheet hole faces
104-Year-Old Woman Claims Meth Is The Secret To Long Life
Hey, Who Are We To Judge?
Mildred Segerstrom, 104-year-old woman, has reached a ripe old age by rather unconventional means.
“I wake up and take three or four hits from this here light bulb. It keeps me young, f*ck you,” remarked Segerstrom. “I don’t f*ck with those fancy corner store glass pipes, those are for p*ssies. Light bulb all the way.”
Segerstrom spends her days disassembling electronics she finds in the dumpster behind Goodwill. She claimed that this activity also helps her retain her youth, but any intention beyond that regarding this behavior remained unclear.
“I’m building one of them none-of-your-goddamn-business machines. Just you wait,” she explained before mumbling something about “fake news media” under her breath.
Smoking meth isn’t the only key to Segerstrom’s resistance to the cold embrace of death.
“When I’m feeling weak, I gum at an orange slice for a while. I don’t miss my teeth at all.”
Segerstrom also spends large portions of her day vacuuming and hand-shredding paper like Mr. Toomey from The Langoliers.
Sources in her apartment complex claim that she is only 38 years old, but The Advocate was unable to confirm this.
Keep at it, Mildred! You’ll outlive us all!
By Jay Sharpe