Linn-Benton Frontwash

Though the “big holiday” has now passed, I’ve decided to honor the remaining (i.e. crappy) part of the season by putting together an extra special “positivity” edition of the Linn-Benton Backwash. For one time only, I present to you: the Linn-Benton Frontwash. Because that’s the opposite of backwash, and even though it doesn’t actually exist, uh… okay, so I didn’t think super far ahead on this one. Too late now I guess, so away we go.

This last week, a sad, pathetic old man with Nazi stuff painted all over the back of his foreign-made Toyota Tacoma got flimflammed after deciding it was a good idea to park it in front of the Corvallis courthouse. That’s not really positive news, but ambivalence is close enough, right? Besides, if you have a frown you want to turn upside down, I have the perfect solution: just search “Jimmy Marr” on Google images. Right up near the top, you’ll see one with him dressed up as some kind of bagpipe commando. Cue the meme: I don’t always play the bagpipes while wearing a tactical kilt I bought on Amazon, but when I do, I do it in front of a busy 76 gas station.

There’s also a photo a way down of a bunch of groomsmen getting all up on a bridesmaid (about 30 minutes away from being NSFW), but I believe that’s a different Jimmy Marr. Anyway, trigger alert: goofy racist nonsense and a random wedding photo.

In other positive news, I’m going to say absolutely nothing about the particular individuals from Corvallis and Mill City who have been accused of sexually assaulting people in their sleep. Nothing at all. Or anything about anyone being run over, or flooding, or Andrew Oswalt’s gross, waxy beard.

You’re welcome.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell