A 32-year-old Albany man by the name of John Virgil Benson was just handed down two life sentences without the possibility of parole. He had been found guilty of a grab bag of rape and sex abuse charges, marking the third such sex crime-related conviction he’s gotten—thereby opening the door for life in prison. Benson’s attorney, Michael Lowry protested the sentencing. In a Gazette Times article last week, Lowry was quoted as saying, “When is he on notice not to commit new crimes? In 2008? It’s impossible.” This references the complaint that Benson’s most recent conviction actually happened back before the other two convictions. I guess I’ve got two things to say about that:
• Maybe not rape people…you know, at all. Ever. It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for someone who gets to spend the last years of their existence in a box wearing flip-flops and eating bologna with weird black spots in it, but he was essentially doing this to all of his victims. So f*ck him, priorities.
• Michael Lowry. Mike Lowry. You know, like Will Smith in Bad Boys? Their name is the same, hah! Okay, so Smith’s character spelled it “Lowery,” but whatever. Let me have this one.
Back safely in the arms of Corvallis, apparently some dude was busted playing Whack-A-Mole(tm) while parked in the Fred Meyer’s parking lot. And by Whack-A-Mole, I mean he was…you know…uh, flogging the dolphin. Badgering the witness. Whackin’ the kraken. Jackin’ the beanstalk. Bludgeoning the beefsteak. You know, applying the hand brake. Going full Han Solo. Okay, I’m done.
Thanks to Corvallis’s finest, we don’t have to worry about this menace at Fred Meyer’s anymore. I heard he’s been spotted around…eh, I can’t finish that joke. No matter whom I name, someone will get pissed off. Damn you Corvallis!
Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously—nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell