Linn-Benton Backwash: When the Levee Breaks

Let me level with you: despite the fact that nobody around here seems to know it, Corvallis is actually a small town. Even as small towns in the area go, it is pretty boring per capita. Oh no, somebody took a long time to pull out of their parking spot on 2nd, resulting in someone else blocking traffic because they stopped to wait – all while Corvallis People is blowing up because something was appropriated. 

Hashtag epic snore. 

However, I ain’t snoring today. Why? 37 million gallons of sewage. That’s why. And that’s exactly what Corvallis is accused of having dumped into the Willamette river back in June; followed by another 4 million in October. Kind of like when you go, but then you go a little more.

The Oregon Department of Environmental Quality pointed this fudgy fact out last week as they handed down a fine for $25,800. According to the Straight Dope forums (a reputable source), the average human turd weighs 2.5 pounds. Medline Plus (again, totally reputable) adds that people pee about 800 to 2000 milliliters a day. Times two, carry the four… okay, so I’m not prepared to figure out this math. Or any math. But regardless, I feel like that’s a pretty weak fine for all of that roughage. 

The city has until January 29 to appeal the situation, but I’m thinking f*ck that. Why not just toss the state our pocket change and start flushing our toilets right into the river? It’d be like a mini Ganges, only without all of the historical, spiritual, and cultural significance. Besides, if we all did it at once we might be able to create a land bridge so I could finally hit all of the breweries around here without hitching a ride.

There are, of course, numerous other factoids and bits of data to discuss surrounding this. Such as, “why did this happen?” But I really don’t care. From the perspective of a true small town journalist, I’m just overjoyed that it did.

By Johnny Beaver