Albany takes top Backwash honors this week thanks to the two gentlemen who decided to march into the Heartland Humane Society on the 26th and steal a cat named Sammie. After coming to realize that she had been put on hold and was therefore unavailable, they just snatched her up and promptly walked out. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Who the f*ck steals a cat? Sammie must be one tricked out feline.” You’d think so, but meh. I love cats as much as the next guy, but all you’re really getting here is your standard fare; four legs, a tail, and some fur. No evidence of an ability to juggle flaming bowling pins, or poop in the toilet and flush it like a person. No jet pack. No USB port.
Many comments on Heartland’s Facebook thread seem to have come from “dog-fighting-ring” experts, and suggest that Sammie was stolen to use as bait. However, as Heartland has repeatedly pointed out, this is highly unlikely. The sad fact is, there are easier ways to get disposable cats. That, and evil empire cat herders don’t typically fawn over and vet their marks. I suppose all we can do is hope that Sammie is okay, and that these fartknockers get caught.
If cat theft doesn’t float your crime boat, how about an old-fashioned cash grab? On the 27th, a shifty looking cutpurse stole some cash that was being vended from the Corvallis Bank of America ATM – apparently forgetting about the whole “security camera” thing. Less than a day later he was identified as 28-year-old Christopher J. Becker. Shortly thereafter, someone who responded to the associated Corvallis Police Department post claimed that his mother had turned him in. I don’t actually care whether that’s true or not because it’s funny.
Later that evening another 28-year-old was subjected to a Wibbley-Wobbly Test by Corvallis police, which he failed, and wound up busted for running from the cops, reckless driving and endangerment, felony firearms possession, illegally screwing with a firearm serial number, etc. Eyewitnesses described the event as a “medium speed chase.”
By Johnny Beaver