Linn-Benton Backwash

What do you call it when a house in Albany burns down twice in a six month-ish period? I’m going to go with “not coincidental,” but if I’m being honest, this is only because calling it a coincidence is less entertaining. Also, less than entertaining, Corvallis police are investigating two fires on Nov. 29 and 30 that sparked up last Sunday in the wee hours. It’s like damn, people. Don’t do fires. We’ve got the infinite cosmos to figure out, and here you dorks are fussing about with combustion. That’s just depressing. You can’t discover the truth behind how so much matter survived the matter/antimatter cataclysm at the beginning of our Universe, or the Higgs Boson and crap like that, by doing fires.

Unless you’re a chemist. But let’s be honest here: if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t.

In other news, I just spent $40 on a *&#%! Christmas tree. I think the tree farm people went out and purposefully sprayed water everywhere before they opened, just to spite me. The only place in the state THAT freakin’ muddy, and it just so happens you’ve got to get down on your hands and knees to saw one of those bastards down. Uh huh. I know what you’re up to. #treegate

Secretly funding the conspiracy, I’m quite sure, we’re the five people that were busted in Sweet Home last week with a whole bunch of meth and miscellaneous meth accouterments. Like the fire-doing, meth is another thing that will prevent us from moving forward as a species. Only in the case of meth, we’re not going to be tying our own shoes, let alone calculating why hot dog buns come in packages of eight, while hot dogs come in packages of ten. Seriously, you have to eat forty hot dogs and buns for the packages to finally balance out, and that’s just gross.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell