Linn-Benton Backwash

Did you know that Corvallis has a Christmas parade? Hell yeah, it does, and it’s on November 24. Because why not catapult into the next holiday adventure two days after the last one has been put to bed in a flurry of bird corpses and yam poops? There are more details to be given here, but that’s all I plan on telling you about it. As you know, I like my Christmas parades like I like my primates: gorilla. Style. Guerilla. 

Style.

What I’m trying to say here is that I hope you didn’t throw out your Halloween costume yet, because the Backwash Army (congratulations, I’ve signed you up) is gonna get out there and… eh. Who am I kidding, we’re not getting out of bed, let alone showing up to that thing dressed as Vampire Biff Traber, or an oversized Corvallis Advocate, complete with brown stains.

In other news, Corvallis was boring as hell this week, but in all fairness it’s a little hard to engage in groundbreaking science experiments (or to stick some meth up your butt and scream in the middle of the road) when you’re busy watching the Florida recount updates like each vote is a single molecule of paint drying. Not everyone gave two ploops (yes, ploops), though, as a few vending machines on Oregon State University grounds were busted into. Good on you! Big improvement over your previous endeavors, which included stealing gum from the bottoms of desks in the library and searching the Memorial Union rugs for discarded fingernails.

Cool stuff is happening out in Lebanon, though! Get a load of this: the cost of trash pick up has increased.

*spends the next four hours trying to find an appropriate hashtag or emoji for the situation*

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell