Linn-Benton Backwash

Every once in a while, a news story from our area shatters my cold exterior and just makes me feel so damn good and proud to be from around here. The Capitol Tree! Yes! The huge as* tree that gets chopped down, bandied about all over the country along the Oregon Trail, and then winds up in DC so Trump has somewhere to take a piss when he inevitably locks himself out of the White House. This year it originated in Sweet Home, and holy sh*t, the Sweet Homians are pretty damn excited. Rumor has it the parade they threw themselves was so huge that it blocked someone who had stolen stuff from the Lebanon Wal-Mart and was on the run from the cops.

Anyway, cool stuff, right? Hell yeah. And it is only going to cost the taxpayers like… $600,000 plus.

Since we’re in the mood for great news, how about that bomb threat at Oregon State University? Some idiot scrawled the threat on a bathroom stall last Friday, probably while taking a dump, prompting the school to send out an alert. The threat itself didn’t mention a location but said that the ordinance would explode on Sunday. Sunday has come and gone without any device turning up, or evacuations being ordered. Thankfully it looks like just some random, run of the mill dipsh*t, so thanks for that, dipsh*t. You’ve won the dipsh*t Olympics.

Also newsworthy this week is the Gazette-Times print edition. What did you folks do to the paper? Normally it provides a lot of comforts when I’m wiping (I read first, okay!), but now… now it’s like a Dairy Queen napkin. If you don’t fix this posthaste, I’m going to have to start wiping with The Advocate, and that’s just unsanitary.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell