Linn-Benton Backwash

By the time you read this, we’ll be two days past the election. Taking that into extra, double, careful consideration, I’d like to abuse my power here at The Advocate to present myself as a candidate for Corvallis Mayor! Here are the benefits you get with a Campbell in the hot seat:

The awkward drive-thru entrance and exit at the Dairy Queen will get moved, because holy sh*t, who designed that?

You know those people who turn left onto Van Buren off of 9th St. and illegally swing into the far lane so they can muscle their way into the path out of town? They will be prosecuted within an inch of their lives. You know who you are, and I swear to the dark lord that I’ll rent out any number of extra jails, however many it takes, to make sure you never see the light of day again. 

I’ll go check out the dog park, and if that tree that rains down poisonous doodads is still there, I’ll yank it out of the ground with my bare hands. Hashtag save the potats.

All poke stops will be mandated to move within 50 yards of a neighborhood so Corvallisites can kick back and farm pokemon stuff without having to get off the couch.

Included in the jury duty pool will be one golden ticket that’s passed out each month, the winner of which will have to duct tape their poop to Steve Schultz’ garage door.

That Dodge Caravan approaching our southern border? Consider it stopped.

Five words: We’re gonna get a dragon.

Impressed? Wanna pick up what I’m putting down? Some other clever question that alludes to you liking my plans? All you have to do is cast your ballot last week!

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell