Linn-Benton Backwash

In the middle of last week, the Gazette-Times published an endorsement of Knute Buehler for Governor, composed by Managing Editor, Mike McInally. While the article curiously doesn’t mention Buehler’s best quality, that badas* goatee, I can definitely endorse this decision with my full weight. After all, Kate Brown has had trouble dealing with many of the most difficult problems that the state of Oregon has faced. The homeless crisis, to name one, is at an all-time high and as far as education goes, students’ test scores are lower than ever, putting our future in the hands of a bunch of illiterate humans to run the show when we’re all in nursing homes. In addition, Brown is in full support of drug dealers running daycares, riding a Sasquatch to work, worshiping the devil, eating her own poop, and wants to rain radiation down on Oregon’s rivers and streams as a “safe” disposal method.

Oh sh*t, that last one was Art Robinson, sorry. Maybe those other ones were too, I dunno. I just repeat what the commercials tell me, okay?

Either way, I like to back a winner, and I fully believe Buehler deserves a grand public celebration for exercising the teensiest, tiniest sliver of the common sense required to distance himself from Donald Trump. That’s a real accomplishment in my eyes.

How do I feel about gerrymandering or dark money? Love it. Getting rid of Oregon’s sanctuary laws? High five, let’s blow a ton of money and resources harassing people. What about cheering when selfish, arsonist douchebags get pardoned by a walking humanitarian crisis? Could not be more ideal.

Just think – this time next month, we can meet the horizon of a new dawn. Those liberal snowflakes will have to eat our shorts. #redwave2018baby!

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell