Linn-Benton Backwash

So, let’s see…last week it cooled down quite a bit, which in my opinion made it worth breathing in all the forest fire smoke. However, if this is signaling the end of the hot months, I must admit I’m a bit bummed. I just bought this sweet Ren and Stimpy tanktop and was hoping it’d join forces with my epic muscles and score me a date. With what? I dunno. I’d take anything at this point. I heard Trump supporters aren’t very discriminatory.

As per usual there was a bunch of sports going on in the area, and while I care for that even less than Johnny Beaver did, I will say that I was excited to find out that Monroe High School’s team is called the Dragons. Finally, a team with a decent name. I mean, they could’ve taken it a bit further and gone with Iron Dragons, or better yet, Steel Dragoon. Yeeeeah. Alas, nobody is perfect.

A woman is suing the Willamette Country Music Festival for an alleged attack during the 2016 event. Quoting $2.25 million in damages, the allegation has her being sexually assaulted by a man during the after party while she was unconscious. There was an associated criminal trial earlier this year, but it wound up a mistrial due to prosecutor error. A second go at it is schedule for this October.

According to a police report, a guy in Albany found a tooth on the Hyak Park boat ramp, but threw it in the water because icky-poo! He called the cops for some reason, and of course they found nothing. And whee! Albany. Love it.

Rounding out this edition we have one Toron James Ambrosious who was scooped up by Corvallis police after allegedly assaulting someone while wearing a clown mask. I guess he was hanging around all suspiciously, so the victim approached him to be all like “Hey, dude, wtf.” Next thing you know, there’s a headlock of some sort, and even a bite to the leg.

Also, I feel like I should note that I’ve seen this guy without his mask. And now I know why he was wearing one.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell