Linn-Benton Backwash

When I first saw last Friday’s Gazette Times headline, “Linn County Blasts Shelter Option…” I immediately went into a panic. The county has a cannon? Were there any people inside? Is this a false flag operation perpetrated by deep state liberal operatives hell bent on destroying America because, as we all know, the right hates poor people?

Just when things had gotten to a fever pitch, I realized that “blasts” was just sensational journalism lingo. Hah! Settle down there, Sammy. You know, that low-down rotten dirty butthole turd fart idiot scoundrel Johnny Beaver was a lot of things, but he did excel at the whole sensationalism bit. I definitely need to step up my game with all of these sharp tongues around here or I’ll be phased out. Axed. Made redundant. The fact that several GT reporters just earned regional news awards – congratulations my dudes! – and I got jack squat really says a lot about my skills.

I feel like things have been spiraling out of control since I was forced last week to retract my “turds in strollers” comment due to physics. Speaking of, for those of you that did the math and have been grumbling about “…kids are out of strollers by the time they’re 40 lbs…” – I’ve seen things in Lebanon strollers that’ll curl your toes backwards. Don’t you dare doubt me. There are photos.

While we’re on the topic of the backwoods, we now take a rare deep dive out into the Linn County fringe… straight to the beautiful Ray Benson Park. Pro tip: stay the hell away from Ray Benson Park. There are mosquitos the size of goats and they will end you. One of my bites just popped open and maggots burst out in a tidal wave of pus and terror.

And thankfully that’s the end of said deep dive.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell