Linn-Benton Backwash

We haven’t done any fun headlines from the Gazette Times recently, but here’s one: “Adults to take over library on June 8.” It’s like what, have children been running it this whole time!? Ehh, nevermind. That’s not working. Folks, come on! Write better awkward headlines, damnit. Though you did absolutely nail the whole banal thing with “Weekend weather: Sunny for Saturday, partly cloudy on Sunday.” Also, I hate to break it to you, but Sunday is actually the first day of the week. Check your calendar, you fools!


Over in Lebanon the Strawberry Festival Junior Parade went down last Saturday, and boy was it great! Little turds in strollers wearing costumes, blocking my car. All I wanted was a taco, you fools. A f*ckin’ taco. Honestly, I don’t even know what this festival is about. The only place I’ve ever seen a strawberry outside of it has been in the grocery store. Is there some kind of secret mega ultra strawberry patch around there? If there is, don’t tell me. I’ll feel like an idiot.

And just in case you haven’t been paying attention, the South Albany High School did finally manage to change their mascot a few weeks back. The racist “Rebels” was finally kicked to the curb through a student vote, hooray! What’s not hooray, however, is their choice: Redhawks. WTF is a Redhawk? It’s not even a real animal, but a term that seems to have been appropriated from a golf resort, a gun manufacturer, and a winery. During voting, they had the option of alternatively being the Wolves, the Wildcats, the Lions, the Nighthawks, and the Raptors. And they chose Redhawks. Parents, you’re clearly doing a terrible job with your children. Anyone who didn’t vote for Nighthawks or Raptors… those kids suck.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell