Gollum impersonator, Andrew Oswalt has been booted from the OSU student government, which would be a big deal and whatnot if A, we were talking about something besides student government, and B, we were talking about someone with more cultural significance than, “put stickers on peoples’ cars.” Granted, not everyone feels that way. Dude has been hecka popular lately! Just flip around in this issue and you’ll be treated to some of his brilliant ideas. Rather than like, some good ones from someone else.
Also in Corvallis, one rambunctious polar plunger decided to slip under the safety rope and try to cross the river, eventually being warned by Sheriff’s deputies that if she didn’t get on their boat, they would have to drag her out of the water. Due to the number of county personnel present, this swimmer was a distraction that prevented them from paying attention to everyone else who was participating. Honestly, this is the most Corvallis thing I’ve ever heard.
And yet again, in Corvallis… you may have already heard about Eugenian warrior for justice, James Marr, who drove his vehicle to Corvallis with an anti-Semitic message on it to uh, park? Seriously, do these white power guys have a lack of ambition or something? Anyway, someone went up to the vehicle and wrote, “Fuck You Nazi Scum,” on it. And I must thank that person, for I was just able to drop an F bomb without censoring it because it’s a quote! Schwing.
Some other stuff happened last week, but we’re all a little busy pointing and staring at the white supremacists right now. Maybe someone is planning to build the Darwin Award wing of a natural history museum.
By Johnny Beaver