ARIES (March 21-April 19): You’re probably real stoked that it’s your birthday soon. We get it. It’s called a birthday party because you’re supposed to share in the fun with everyone, not get too drunk at a hippie jamband concert and puke in your friend’s Toyota Tercel.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I don’t know what’s going to happen to you this week. I have no idea. Just live your life however you want, I’m sure it will be fine.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Eating that old french fry you found in your car last week from unknown origin was the first in a series of bad decisions you’ll be making.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Everything you’ve been dreaming of is coming into fruition soon, leading you into a phase of perfect harmony. Just don’t screw it up by getting “MmmBop” stuck in your head. Oops…
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Remember that time you went around telling all your friends about that fossil you found while hiking? Well, it was really just an old piece of dog poop that got dried out in the sun. No one wanted to tell you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The time has come to quit your job and become the next Air Sex World Champion.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’re going to meet someone who has a steady job, enjoys the same interests as you, and treats you with the respect you feel you deserve. Within a month you’ll wonder why that’s what you wanted and get back with your ex, Tripp, who is the lead singer for the band “Syphilis’ Revenge.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): We all know you’re into kinky sh*t. It’s cool, so are we. But no one wants to find out about how hot you think your stepmom is. That’s what incognito browsers are for.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Is that a new haircut? New outfit? Whatever you’re doing, it looks great. Congrats Sag, at killing it in life. Keep up the good work.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It might be time to take the plan into action and rob that bank. Take the money and flee to Cuba, where the sun is shining and you can find that 1950’s Chevy you’ve always dreamed of.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Try to be slightly less lazy this week. Despite your typical model of channeling the soul of a sloth, heart disease is real and your butt imprint is starting to really ruin your parent’s couch.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): When Publisher’s Clearing House calls, it’s definitely not a scam. Don’t forget to give them your social security number and bank routing number so you can get the money right away.
By The Astro Orange