Ahhhh… summer. The days of road trips to the beach with our sweeties are just on the horizon. Well, whether you’ve got a sweetie or are sweetie-less, The Astro Orange, your one and only celestial all-knowing orange with a penchant for telling it like it is, has some advice for fostering your summer romance.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Summer lights your fiery soul, and you feel ready to burst out and strut your stuff. If you have a honey, why not cover them in that sweet sticky goo. That’s right, cover your lover in honey from head to toe. The erotic nature of covering the one you love in the spit of the apis will make you both so horny you can ride that love rocket until the last rays of summer.
Taurus (Apr.20-May 20)
You strong, sexy bull. Your animal magnetism is contagious, like a summer cold, infecting everyone around you. That’s why I recommend that if you have a partner, let them know that you’re ready to get into the orgy scene. So many people want to have sex with you, why are you limiting yourself? You’ll be surprised — your sweetheart was probably thinking the exact same thing. If you’re single, then you can be that third wheel in the Eiffel Tower of threesome love. Summer of 2018 is your time to get all those bi-curious feelings out in the open.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Happy b-day you sexy minx. If there is one thing you know, it’s summer love. That’s why you and your lover are going to have the best summer of your lives. How? One word: fetish porn. Oh, I guess that’s two words. But nothing says “I wanna get to know you better” like asking your boo what weird stuff turns them on. Farting on cake? Getting greased up and popping balloons? This is the stuff the internet was made for.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sensual Cancer — the world has been waiting all winter for the summer energy of the crab. Harness that energy by getting a can of crab meat and rubbing it on your body. The smell will attract everyone around you. “Am I at the beach on a sunny day?” they’ll think. Whether you’re attached or single, you’ll be instantly irresistible.
Leo (July 23-Aug.22)
“Summer lovin’ happened so fast!” Yeah it did. And now things are a little itchy down there. But when you have the opportunity to sleep with the lead singer of Collateral Damage, Philomath’s number one punk band, you have to take it. We get it. But now you definitely have a rash or crabs or something, and you need to get it checked out. Shaving your pubes won’t fix it this time — we’ve tried.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgo vixen! I see love in the stars for you. You are Cinderella, and the world is your enchanted ball. Except forget glass slippers, you’re going to need to start giving A LOT of oral. Just grab the object of your desire and get to lickin’. You’ll find your special someone, no matter how many licks it takes.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Love. We all want it. Need it. And Libra, get ready, because love is coming at you hot and ready to go — in the form of pizza. That’s right. I’m not really seeing a human-to-human connection, but more of a pizza-to-human connection for you. However, you need to express your saucy love. Do it — the world is your oven.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Spicy Scorpio, you kinky freak. Some people like it nasty, but you like it NASTY. N-A-S-T-Y. Let it out. Let those haters hate — your true boo will want to hear all that nasty your spicy tongue is ready to give. Pro tip: invest in a whip — it just generally makes everything better.
Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec. 21)
Your lucky number is infinity, which is the number of people you should sleep with this summer. Don’t let “the man” shame you for your sexual desires. We are sexual beings who need to break the chains of puritan oppression. Sex is wonderful and everyone should be doing it as often as possible. Just wrap that sh*t up tho — them sex bugs have super-strength these days.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The power between your thighs is ripe and ready to get out — so let it. It is of my professional opinion that you should avoid clothing at all costs. I mean, put a shirt on when you go to the grocery store, but your home is your castle. Your cat is already naked, so your roommates probably won’t mind. They’re too stoned anyway.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarius, summer is where you shine. Literally. Grease yourself up with some baby oil and head down to the clerb. No one can resist that “just got done shooting a porn” look. Add glitter for an even more magnetic effect. Everyone will want to ride you like a slip and slide — it’s going to be the best night of your life.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The wisest rapper I know, 2 Chainz, said, “Turn the cameltoe into casserole.” This summer, I want you to turn that cameltoe into the casserole of your dreams. 69 is your lucky number, so get down to pound town by taking the train downtown. Am I being clear enough? Lots of oral sex is in your future!