Corvallis: A Light In Trump’s America

Corvallis has proven itself time and time again to be the shining beacon of tolerance and acceptance in the Willamette Valley. We, the overwhelmingly liberal community of Corvallis, loudly stand for social, racial, and economic justice, just as long as it doesn’t affect our lives in any way whatsoever.

The highly educated and well-meaning citizens of this town have taken a stand against prejudice in all of its forms. We enthusiastically call for equality wherever the forces of oppression appear, and we demand to be heard. 

We are the loud and proud allies of all marginalized people who can afford our overpriced real estate. No matter your identity or background, as long as you make at least $3500 a month after taxes, you are home in Corvallis.

We are hard at work setting a positive example for the state and the rest of the country in these difficult times. We, with open arms, gladly and lovingly accept all people regardless of race, creed, religion, country of origin, sexual orientation, or gender identity as long as they are willing to cram their families into a $1300 per month studio apartment. Also: first and last month’s rent, $1500 security deposit, no pets, (including goldfish) no smoking or vaping on the property, no musical instruments, no barbecues, no visitors, $100 per month parking pass.

Local realtor, Jess Stewart, says “I will stand with the oppressed in every way I possibly can, unless I make less money, or have to look at a three story apartment building, or have to smell a homeless person. We have a nice community here, I’d hate for us to have to interact with poor people in any way, unless they’re pumping my gas or trimming my hedges, of course.”

Corvallis resident and 28-year-old Laramie Stanton was recently vocally opposed to a land annexation near Good Samaritan Hospital. 

“We have a very progressive community here, and I’m proud of that,” proclaimed Stanton. “All people are children of God, and all are welcome here. Except people with cars. If I have to experience even the smallest amount of traffic on West Hills Road, it’s almost as if my parents gave me this down payment as a wedding present for nothing.”

Corvallis City Councilwoman, Mallory Baldwin, also readily touted our town’s outstandingly progressive values.

“Our acceptance of all communities is built right into our city charter here in Corvallis. We will proudly welcome all groups of people that can afford our exorbitant real estate prices. Our diversity of people who can afford to live here is our biggest strength,” howled Baldwin. “Sure, I’ve voted against land annexations in the past, but have you ever had a homeowners association upset with you? It’s horrible! We already have a perfectly functional low-income housing plan: Lebanon. Have I mentioned that we’ve taken a strong stance against climate change?”

Students at Oregon State University are joining the community in their fierce opposition to all oppression and prejudice. Student leader, Ethan Jacobs, is particularly passionate about the subject.

“We at OSU want to create the most welcoming and inclusive environment that we possibly can,” proudly claimed Jacobs. “As long as you can afford the completely unreasonable tuition at OSU, along with the student fees, books, and rent, you are a valuable member of our student community, and we will stand side by side with you as equals.”

Stand up and be counted, Corvallis! In the face of opposition, you better believe that we will be recognized! Let it be noted from sea to shining sea, this is what the resistance looks like! No matter your identity, as long as your parents have money, or if you’re willing to work 70 hours a week with no health insurance and live in a constant state of anxiety and insecurity, you are a valued member of this beautiful community!

The Advocate also asked Corvallis if they believe classism to be the basis of all systems of oppression; they appeared confused, and shrugged a little.
By Jay Sharpe