As the State Turns

As you may have noticed, my attempt to go full on positive in the “Linn-Benton Frontwash” didn’t exactly work out. Well, this didn’t go super great either, but there are a few moments of success. Call it a wintry mix, maybe? It’s the thought that counts.

Dog is Into Santa, Kicks Criminal As*
Stark is a crappy name for a dog, but you’ll get over it. This furry Washington County deputy wrecked some crime suspects in a trio of different cases the other day, all on one shift. While wearing a Santa outfit. Not a great one, but you’ll get over that, too.

Just think about that for a minute.

Shirtless (because why not?) robber and strangler Michael Johnson, car window smasher Trevor Bates, and welfare… check… bailer, Briawnna Raby were all taken down by Stark, the German Shepherd / Belgian Malinois mix. I don’t even know what the hell a Malinois is — sounds like a too-sweet mixed drink for old people — but it’s got a big ole floppy tongue, and fur, and I love him.

These particular busts brought Stark’s grand total to a whopping one hundred and eighty freakin’ six. This is obviously impressive on its own, but it makes me feel like a total loser when you add in the fact that poochie here is only seven years old. Know what I was doing when I was seven? Pooping my drawers. Well, maybe not. But I wasn’t far removed. I definitely couldn’t have even committed a crime that Stark could kick my as* over.

Apparently, Rover there wears other costumes on different holidays, so if you ever wanted to get dragged out from behind a dumpster or something by a dog in a bunny outfit, you know where you need to be.

Here’s Where Things Go Downhill Fast
Not all animals are as lucky as Stark (probably especially those that get eaten). Two human turds from Salem, Jenny and Richard Kleimeier, were arrested after nearly three dozen cats trapped in plastic baskets were found in a U-Haul trailer under their names. Neither food, nor water had been provided to the animals, which ranged from kittens to elderly felines, for several days. Why? If anyone in law enforcement knows, they’re not currently telling; though an article by The Stateman’s Journal had a quote that referred to it as a case of hoarding. Either way, I’ll be honest. I’m kind of glad I don’t know.

Both fecal nuggets have been released pending a January 18 court date, but so far it looks like they’re getting three first degree, and thirty-two second degree animal neglect charges — one for each animal, it seems. Unfortunately, the three heavier charges likely stem from the three cats who died while in captivity.

And you know who else could use a charge or two? One “Catoleptics,” a registered user on the Oregonlive.com forums, who felt the need to comment “must have found a market for ethnic food.” Idiot. Must’ve been broadcasting from Jimmy Marr’s buttwagon.

It seems notable to mention that both of the Kleimeier’s are government employees – Jenny with the state of Oregon, and Richard with the city of Salem. Though I’m not sure why, as I don’t think anyone gets surprised regarding government personnel at this point.

Many thanks to the Salem Police Department, Willamette Humane Society, and anyone else who helped rescue these animals. If you’d like to help out, a fundraiser has been put online. You can find it here: bit.ly/2EHIMnh.

And Now For Something a Bit Different
Negative, well no. I’d say this is more depressing than anything else. A dull ache, even. Which, I dunno about you, but that seems to be the average neutral state these days.

Recently OregonLive ran two stories side by side: one featuring all the places you’re likely to live in the state if you’re over 18 and still with your parents, and the other about a multi-million-dollar castle in Forest Park that apparently nobody can afford despite the price consistently dropping.

The former piece lists Damascus, Happy Valley, West Linn, and Sherwood. And that’s it. Which, obviously they didn’t check college towns, because guess what happens when you live in “the richest nation in the world” and still pay insane sums of money for an education? That’s right, buckaroo – pappy’s basement. And there’s nothing wrong with that, because to hell with exploding rent prices, but there you have it. Freakin’ lazy millennial inheriting this mess of an economy from the old farts that call them lazy!

As for the other article, apparently this castle is called Blackberry Castle (hence the castle part) …and uh… it’s actually kind of awesome. Why the hell isn’t anyone buying this? They’re asking four-million-dollars, almost half of what the going price was a couple of years ago. With the median house price in Portland reaching up to around half a million dollars, who the hell has that kind of loan-power that can’t go the extra mile and get themselves a freakin’ courtyard and fancy media room, etc.? Imagine all of the hopelessly indebted children you could have and then house in that massive basement!

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell