As the State Turns

That Dastardly Merks is At It Again!
If Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley isn’t gearing up for a presidential run, he must… he must… wait, is this just a decent dude that wants to do right by his office? Hah, I almost believed it for a second. Whew, that was a close one.

Anyhow, so Mr. Merkley – or “The Merks” as I shall refer to him from here on – got in a sweet Winnebago with a few other statesmen and traveled to Tornillo, Texas, to check out this high tech “Tent City” our government built; you know, to incarcerate people who are legally seeking asylum. Supposedly hosting about 2,700 immigrants and costing in the ballpark of one million dollars a day to run, the expectations for this City of the Future were high. Personalized hammocks? Check. Coca-Cola drinking fountains? Check. PlayStation VR in all the toilet stalls? Check. Depression, fear, and severe emotional trauma? Actual check.

In case I wasn’t clear just now, those first couple of “checks” were jokes. They don’t have those things. But it couldn’t be all that bad, right? Well, let’s hear from The Merks via Twitter, just after his visit:

“I just left the tent city at Tornillo. It is a child prison camp.”

Hmmm. Tell me more?

“They refused our request to speak with the children who are held there. The vast majority of these children have parents or other family members who are ready to sponsor them in the US, but the Trump Administration has deliberately created a bottleneck so that it’s difficult for the children to be released.”

Ouch, okay, so… oh wait, hold up, he’s not done…

“They’re also threatening to hand over any undocumented family members to ICE, discouraging sponsors from coming forward.”

Well that’s ju-… er, hold on, more still…

“So, thousands of children are living in a tent prison. In the desert. For months on end.”

OKAY MERKS, WE *&%@! GET IT ALREADY. Geez.

Now…

How the hell do we get the rest of our elected representatives to get it?

Santa Paddle Saturday
Did you know that there’s a “Santa Paddle Saturday” in Portland? For your sake, I sure as hell hope not, because it’s just about the dorkiest thing I’ve ever heard of. I was thinking of posting some pictures up for you, but I didn’t want to ruin your lunch. It’s pretty much exactly what you would expect, though: a bunch of greasy, grimy Portlander’s paddle-boarding on the Willamette in holiday costumes. I mean honestly, who needs Krampus when you’ve got this horror show to contend with? Freaks.

Duly Rewarded
Let’s play a game really quick. Say your name is Jorge Serrano and you had to quit your job as a security guard in Hillsboro a few years ago over a sexual misconduct investigation. Wow, sucks to be you! But then, say you really want to become a deputy for the Washington County Sheriff’s Office. What to do, what to do… hmm… maybe just… apply? And somehow just like… get accepted?

Well, thankfully it turns out that you’re not Jorge Serrano, but Jorge Serrano is, and that is exactly what he did, and how it went down. The security company he worked for recommended the state yank his certifications, but they were basically all like “nope, bangin’ on the job ain’t a crime.” So, then he got hired as a jail deputy, and sickeningly, also a victims advocate.

You may be thinking to yourself, “well, okay. So he did the horizontal mambo at work. That’s sh*tty, but it’s hardly a crime. It’s like getting on the sex offender registration for whipping it out and peeing at a bus stop.”

First, don’t “whip” yourself out and pee at bus stops for f*ck’s sake. You should be ashamed of yourself. Second, it turns out that he not only videotaped the sexual encounter without the woman’s consent, but she is now accusing him of coming up to her apartment later that evening and sexually assaulting her while she was unconscious. Did I mention that the first sex act occurred in his patrol car while he was patrolling her apartment complex? Like, ew.

Anyway, I’m sorry to have had to share such a grotesque story, but there is a silver lining: not only did he lose his job back in November when this all came out, but he’s currently in jail, charged with first-degree rape and first-degree sodomy. He’s pretty much up the creek sans paddle on it, too, because not only did he already admit to making the tape, but apparently he went around bragging to co-workers about what he had done.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell