As the State Turns

First Thing’s First
Oregonlive ran some article last week about Corvallis vs. Eugene brewing, and I’d just like to say: no contest. Sorry Eugene, but you kind of suck. Ninkasi used to be my favorite brewery ever, actually, until they started churning out nothing but overly hoppy IPA’s. And Corvallis? Well, good grief, not everything is good, but there’s at least a handful of breweries that could take on Eugene solo.

Just saying.

Also just saying that Corvallis is the only brew-city good enough to be compared to Bend. Corvallis vs. Eugene is like Hulk vs. … eh, nevermind. I don’t know enough about professional wrestling to get into those kinds of metaphors. Moving on…

Stuck Between a Rock and
a Parking Garage
Only instead of a rock, it was another building. Yep. Someone fell off a thing near Sixth and Alder in Portland and got stuck up in the air between the two things. The space was about 12 inches wide, which was a good thing apparently, because I guess if he had fallen much further to the left or right or something, he’d have dropped another 30 feet and gone “splat.”

While firefighters successfully got the human pinball out, authorities have yet (at the time of writing this anyway) to get an explanation out of them as to why the hell he was screwing around up there in the first place.

Personally, I can think of six or seven reasons, and they’re all Crystal Meth. Or aliens.

And That Leads Us to This
Remember Jason Paul Schaefer? He’s the guy that set off a bomb in his own vehicle while the FBI was after him last Fall. During the explosion, he lost two fingers and the last remnants of what I imagine was an already-battered dignity. Nice head of hair, that guy. That seems important to mention.

He’s now challenging a warrant that allowed cop humans to search his house in Rock Creek, which turned up a bunch of chemicals and stuff. Police determined this stuff was used to make meth, and that Mr. Schaefer presented no danger to National Security, though he was a massive butthole. The challenge, of course, is no shock. I mean, why not challenge it? What does he have to lose? Well, I dunno… you be the judge. His explanation: he had all that stuff because he was doing research to cure opioid addiction.

I really wish I could tell you I was kidding, but nope. And now this will forever go down in the Book Of Dumbest Excuses Ever. It’ll be sandwiched somewhere between the first 40 and last 230 chapters dedicated to Donald J. Trump, whose most recent entry, of course, was the whole “raking the leaves thing.”

Random deity, if you’re listening… please grant us the Christmas miracle of Trump being sucked into a one-way portal to the Poop Universe. Now that I think about it though, maybe that’s why he’s here. Maybe we’re in the poop Universe.

PDX Dude Tries to Deport Wife, Fails
One Mr. Antonio Oswaldo Burgos was arrested last week after he tried three times to bribe ICE to deport his wife. Apparently, he didn’t like her very much, but not so little that he resorted to hiring a hitman. He was offering up about $4,000… I’m not an expert, but maybe that’s not enough to have somebody whacked these days.

Burgos is now facing sentencing set for May, and a possible $250,000 fine plus 15 years in jail.

Side note: According to Oregonlive coverage, “Burgos first contacted the agent by following the officer from an ICE facility in Portland to a Vancouver parking lot.”

That’s not creepy at all, no sir. Not one bit.

Bland Dinosaur is Big Discovery
University of Oregon researchers apparently discovered the first dinosaur bone EVER in the state of Oregon… in 2015. But it’s okay that I’m just telling you now because it was only published in The Journal of Somethin’ or Other this month.

The dino the bone came from is called an Ornithopod, which is a boring kind of 1,500 lb. duck-faced penis-head thing. You know all of those random dinosaurs in Jurassic Park that are just there to fill space? It’s one of those.

But hey, just because it doesn’t have scary teeth, horns, fangs, claws, talons, armor, a spiked tail, or really anything awesome at all, it’s still cool. Unless some giant flying ptero-whatsits picked the poor bastard up from out of state and dropped it there, this means we’ve got more lying about. More lying about equals more digs and research, right? Right? 

Rich people, I’m talking to you. Not directly, but I’m typing this with you in mind. That’s why you can’t hear me.

…is anyone even reading this?

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell