As the State Turns

We’re Not in Kansas Anymore
I wanted to start off this week by pointing out something really creepy I saw on the website:

Canzano: Mario Cristobal-era Oregon Ducks may have tough decisions to make

Oregon Ducks’ offense comes under fire; more Pac-12 image problems: Issues & Answers

Does anyone here know what the hell any of that means? Because I’ve seen something like this a few times before, and it looks like some Maria Butina level Russian code sh*t. Take the first one for instance… Mario must be Super Mario, a hero hailing from Italy, Japan, and the United States. Cristobal-era is obviously “the Christan epoch.” A curious alliance, but it makes sense when you consider the religious element. 

Next, the Oregon Ducks are mentioned, and we’re about to have a lame duck session of Congress. Holy sh*t! Oregon has Congress-folk! Okay, wait, wait, oh lordy, no! So the Oregon members of Congress have some tough decisions to make ahead, in reference to the Christian super-alliance? I think we’re really onto something here.

The second sentence, building upon previous translations; the Oregon Congress-folk are under attack, while 12 nations along the Pacific rim (allies?) are destabilizing. What are the problems, what are the answers? Are these questions, or statements?

My whole world is falling apart – nothing is as I believed it to be. Corvallisites, if I mysteriously disappear, you’ll know why. My massive brain has become a living enigma machine, and they are bound to try to stop me with deadly force. Take this message and fly, fly my friends!

Also, child molestation rings, hollow earth, a fake moon landing, reptiloids, Democrats mailing bombs to themselves, George Soros is actually Satan and Donald Trump rules.

Baby Tornado Strikes Portland
A teeny tiny tornadular (totally a word) air thingy landed in Portland last Sunday, kicking a few trees in the nards and knocking over a couple of trucks and stuff. It was estimated to have been spinning somewhere between 65 and 85 miles per hour, and it was cool and nobody got hurt and… that was one and too many, sorry. No looking back though.

This came after Oregon got its one lightning strike for the year, so everyone was obviously already running around screaming like it was the end of the world. I wouldn’t laugh too hard, though. This is much-needed prep work for the 2 inches of “Snowmageddon” we’ll get in a few months, where every car on the road will be in the ditch.

The weather service has been reporting that we’ll likely have a drier, warmer Winter season, but it really doesn’t take much, does it? For being really into hiking and stuff, Oregonians sure do act a fool around changing weather conditions. No? When was the last time you saw an Oregonian smart enough to carry an umbrella?

That’d be somewhere between not once and never. Hah! Take that, you dingdongs. Right in the face.

Cougars Be Cougarin’
Something that also really freaks Oregonians out are cougars. And in this case, I can hardly blame anyone. Just look at them… they’re designed to feast on the bones of your children. And I’m not even going to make a joke about older women here, either. That’s how you know I mean business. Seriously, it’s really hard to not make one of those jokes. It’s killing me.

*cough* So there have been a total of six fresh cougar sightings around Ashland, and people are getting goofy over it. Experts have been all like “don’t get all goofy over it,” but nonetheless, people are getting goofy over it.

While there are many tips out there regarding how to deal with an encounter with a cougar, just remember that the only surefire method is to be wearing a cougar suit. They’ll just think you’re one of them.

Bang, Zoom, Right in the Burgerville
Burgerville dun got hacked, son. Yep, the company has announced that “cyberthieves” have stolen a ton of customers’ bank card info, and in at least one case have used the funds to buy fancy as* boots. Now a bunch of Burgerville customers are filing a class action lawsuit against them, claiming that they played fast and loose with the info, resulting in it being stolen.

But really, boots? *shakes head* …I would’ve gotten like 10,000 magnetic ear acupuncture kits from Or like, some tights with Nicolas Cage’s face all over it. Or some seeds that promise to grow penis-shaped melons!

Meh, boots. Losers.

As for the lawsuit, we’ll just have to see where that goes. The vast majority of the time banks are going to refund you for your troubles. In the meantime, I’ll pleasantly not care, because I don’t eat that crap. No offense to Burgerville or its Burger fans, but I’m too damn poor to spend that much on something that tastes microwaved..

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell