As the State Turns

Demonstrators Go Bang Bang on Vroom Vroom

Last Saturday, Portland protesters took to the streets in response to the recent fatal police shooting of 27-year-old Patrick Kimmons, an incident that remains under investigation. However, the message was overshadowed by an incident involving an elderly Kent Houser, who encountered the march while driving. By his account, he didn’t know about the protest and tried to turn right where several cars ahead of him had gone to avoid the protesters, but was too late. Viral video footage seems to largely confirm his story, but it looks to me like a big pile of dumb on all sides.

Here’s what I saw:

-Houser choosing to continue moving his vehicle forward despite there being human bodies in the way, which I feel is like… against the law, probably.

-Protesters not getting the hell out of the way when there are cars on the road, which is just idiotic.

-Houser’s forward motion taking all but a quarter second to provoke protesters into jumping on and beating his car, which is also idiotic.

Houser added that he “may” have flipped the protesters off while he was turning, and those on the scene cited fears related to recent incidents in which cars have been used as weapons against demonstrators. In a way I can hardly blame either party.

As I see it, people are pissed, and accusing each other of violence while taking absolutely any excuse they can to commit violence themselves. Because it’s alright if they’re the bad guys, yes?

Personally, I’m sick of this sh*t. Where y’all socially liberal moderates at? Because these people are cray.

Anti-Police Folks Protest the Wrong City

It’s no secret that there are a lot of people pissed off at PDX police for a number of different reasons, but good lord, maybe try some reading comprehension, will you? Because Hooked On Phonics doesn’t work for everyone, Portland Michigan has been getting a ton of hate mail on Facebook – to the point where they had to actually release this public service announcement:

City of Portland, Michigan

PSA: We’re not Portland, Oregon.

Since I authorized the creation of the Portland Police Department Facebook page in 2014, it has been a great resource for our residents and effective tool for disseminating information. However, one issue that became evident was that of mistaken identity and some presuming we are Portland, OREGON. That said, we steadily receive highly inappropriate complaints and messages clearly not directed at our PPD and certainly not reflective of our residents. Within the past 24 hours there has been an aggressive spike in complaints to the City and PPD apparently involving civil unrest and Antifa groups shutting down streets in Portland, OREGON. It’s important that our residents recognize the context of these complaints/posts and that they are in no way affiliated with the Portland Police Department of Portland, Michigan.

Tutt Gorman

City Manager

This is so painfully embarrassing. It says “Michigan” right in their name, for &^@!’s sake. One person even messaged a resident of Portland, MI about her room for rent, thinking it was in Oregon.

You know, people talk about how insular PDX is, but this is ridiculous.

Eugene Guy Goes Special Kind of Eugene Crazy

Benjamin Jaramillo Hernandez, a name that will live on in infamy. Only probably not. Anyway, dude’s church kicked him out, so he went back, shot pepper spray through the mail slot, and left a rambling note with some bullets. As of right now the note itself doesn’t seem to have been published in full, but it involved him calling them “Devils From HELL” and letting them know that he wants to die. I believe there was also something about a “Challis of The Sacrament” and “Evil Ferocity,” but unfortunately no mention of Zuul or Gozer the Gozerian.

One thing I know for sure is that it is unlikely Hernandez is the Gatekeeper, or Keymaster.

What Not to Do

I mean, besides trying to stick your arm in your toilet hole up to your shoulder. That’s right, I’m talking about the dorkily bespectacled Scott Patrick Lemmon, who was in a Lincoln County court the other day when he decided it would be a good idea to try to grab a cop’s gun. The officer spun around and a deputy of some sort tackled Lemmon’s dumb as*. Apparently, they saw it coming because he kept screwing around in his chair and staring at the gun.

::shakes head::

By Sam Campbell