As the State Turns

“22 Oregon law professors signed letter urging ‘no’ vote on Kavanaugh”

That was a headline issued recently in OregonLive, detailing just that: a bunch of law professors in the state were all like “oh hell naw!” However, the problem here is twofold: 1. Why only 22? and 2. Nobody actually gives a liquid sh*t. Nope! Because that’s where we are right now. On one hand you’ve got the Trumpers doing their whole “I’ve got an IQ of 70” means to an ends kind of thing, and then on the other hand you’ve got three other groups: the reasonable progressive that are large in number but just kind of dumbstruck and waiting for something to change on its own, the mobilized progressives that are so far out in crazy town that their arguments can’t possibly reach anyone on the other side, and the rest of us who are just like, “Well, I read Johnny Beaver era As the State Turns, it couldn’t get any worse than that.”

Let’s all calm down for a second, though. We’ve had worse, right? What’s one more attempted rapist, lying, turd in a position of power at this point? Maybe it doesn’t even matter that from Kavanope’s testimony he made it clear that he’s not physically able to present the kinds of intelligent arguments required of any judge, whether they’re national issues or determining who will be crowned king and queen at the prom.

Wheee, a total dumbas* fratboy on the court! That should go well.

The Man of the Hour: Gregory Lee Rodvelt
With all of the hubbub coming out of Washington DC, it can be easy to forget that Oregon is a hotbed of crazies. Well, thanks for the reminder, Rodvelt!

So back near the end of August a real estate dude went to this properly down south in Williams because a judge from the county had been all like “go sell it, whelp!” Standard procedure, you know. Gotta check it out, kick a few tires, etc. When he got there though, he was greeted by a sign that essentially read “don’t come in here because there’s bombs and sh*t.” Doing what any rational real estate dude would do, he called the cops, who called in the FBI. The FBI were like, “Hmmm… this portion of the article needs more exposition, so we’re going to give a quote now that says ‘this Rodvelt character had to give up the property as a result of some elder abuse thing involving his super old moms.’”

Rodvelt had actually been jailed for the last year in Arizona after engaging with police in an armed standoff. Because rapists are allowed on the Supreme Court now, they figured hey, an armed crazy dude should only serve a year.

Back in Oregon, Rodvelt returned to his property and went full tin foil. Oh yes. He popped in a couple of 1980s VHS tapes and got all Rube Goldberg on peoples’ as*es. When the FBI finally stormed the compound, thankfully only one of them was injured. Though the injury came from a wheelchair rigged with a shotgun shell. So… yipes. Here’s a list of other “modifications” that had been made to the property:

• A van parked across the driveway had been rigged with steel toothed animal traps.

• A Hot tub flipped up on its end was set up so if a gate was opened, it would roll towards the gate. Yes, Indiana Jones style.

• The garage housed a rat trap that was modified to explode a shotgun shell.

• A bomb was planted around the front door to the house.

• Who the hell knows what else.

I’m sure more details will emerge as the FBI issues a report and this wacky-jacky is sentenced, etc., but in the meantime I do have a few criticisms…

1. Why no electricity trap? Those are classic.

2. An exploding lightbulb would have really helped liven up your routine. Pizzazz ain’t worth a rat’s as* in hell without a little flash, you know what I’m sayin’?

3. Work on your outfit, bro. Sure, you’ve got the whole craggy, toothless Willem Dafoe thing going on, but that shirt? Holy smokes, it looks like your momma dressed you. And not in a Toto’s “Africa” good sorta way. In the “this is how your momma dresses you when you abuse her” sorta way.

“Readers respond: A huge ‘I told you so’ to PSU”
Another OregonLive headline I’d like to respond to this week. Having been a PSU student, I’m one of the ones fighting to disarm campus police. I don’t believe they should have guns. And when I set out to make this commentary, I was going to mention that I’m also I’m not one of the ones willing to overlook the fact that the man killed some weeks ago, Jason Washington, was seen on video intervening in a bar fight while wearing a gun on an insecure belt clip. In the scuffle his gun came off, and as he reached for it, he was shot. I don’t believe he should have been shot, nor needed to be shot, but I can see why there’s a difference between this event and a shooting that might involve a totally unarmed person.

However. And this is one hell of a big however. Reports have now come out that police are accusing Washington of pointing the gun at them.

Take a second for that to sink in.

Given the circumstances, they probably would’ve gotten off for the shooting, right? So why add in a claim that  seems so damn fishy? Why the hell would a guy trying to break up a fight randomly decide to turn around and point a gun at police? I get it, I wasn’t there, but this makes no f*cking sense. All I know is that I’m cautious about mob rule vs. fact, especially when it represents something I generally believe in, but I’m suddenly feeling a hell of lot less sympathetic to the scenario.

I wish I could say I am looking forward to seeing how this plays out, but I’d be lying. This has gone from horrible to… I don’t know what word is even appropriate here.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell