As the State Turns

Crazy White Lady Goes Off the Rails
Let me break it down for you: Some dude is minding his own business when a woman sideswipes his car, keeps going like it didn’t happen, and turns into a parking garage. Dude and his friend get out and chase her down to get her information for insurance purposes. I mean hey, maybe she didn’t notice that she crashed her big metal vehicle into another one? If white privilege doesn’t get you the benefit of the doubt, then what the hell good is it for, anyway?

Only the problem is, this windbag starts denying that she hit them, and pretty much immediately launches into some crazy sh*t about the dude’s race (he is of middle eastern descent), saying that she won’t give them her info because they’re here in America illegally. She also says she believes they will use her information to steal her identity. Unfortunately, it goes much further, as she mocks his accent, accuses “some” Middle Easterners of being terrorists, and voices suspicions that dude doesn’t “look like a Portland guy.”

You can watch the whole idiotic encounter here:

People don’t seem to understand that this kind of sh*t is a daily occurrence for a lot of people. Thankfully, the cops eventually showed up and defended the man who was hit.

Lottery Scam
The real scam here is the lottery’s status as a poor people tax, but let’s not go there today.

So you may remember Salem’s Steven Nickell. The guy won a $150 million lottery jackpot back in June, which is…that’s a lot of money. As a result, all kinds of weirdos have come crawling out of the woodwork, though it has been less about creepy attempts to become Nickell’s new BFF, and more about ripping off idjits via email. Apparently Nickell has been feeling charitable and wants to hand out a million bucks each to six lucky individuals, Willy Wonka style.

Part of the message read like this: “This donation is made out to you as to enable you strengthen your personal issues and mostly to generously help me extend hands of giving to the less privilege, orphans and charity organizations within your locality.”

I’m going to make a wild guess here: English as a second language, or Google translate.

The likely scam is “Oh, we want to lay this cash on you, but first need your social security number, mother’s maiden name, bank routing information, and your World Of Warcraft login credentials.”

And look, some of that seems reasonable, but do you really want to risk your maxed out lvl 120s? Hells to the no. Best to err on the side of caution and just wait for one of those Nigerian princes.

Nike Pulls Balaclava
Nike puts up photo of model wearing balaclava, people freak out and cite gang violence, bada bing, bada boom. And so dies my childhood dream of one day being able to dress like a ninja in public without the keen eye of a judgmental culture gazing down upon me.

Cool Crime Stuff

• George Elwood Tschaggeny, the guy who stole MAX stabbing victim Ricky Best’s wedding ring while he lay dying last year, is in trouble again. The 13 months in jail he got apparently wasn’t enough, as he has now violated parole. The details aren’t out, but it looks like he has been skipping drug screenings.

• At a store grand opening thing, some dude pet a police k9 and the dog bit him in the stomach, causing somewhat serious damage to the tum tum that affected his ability to move. He’s now suing the cops for $50,000. There is some dispute about what actually went down, with police suggesting the guy did something overly aggressive and related to said dog’s snout, but there is security footage that makes it pretty clear that the victim’s account is on point. Who knows, maybe he smelled weird?

• PDX’s Lincoln High sure does know how to pick them. First there was that teacher they had to let go for whacking the weasel in public, and now there’s another one that’s been booted over sexual misconduct with a student.

• Some dude pleaded guilty in PDX last week after being accused of selling counterfeit vehicle airbags. He was apparently importing substandard replicas from China and then rebranding them with name brand logos. The idiot could face ten years, which seems like a drop in the bucket considering one of these could literally have killed someone. Good job, buddy. You piece of sh*t.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell