As the State Turns

You Can Murder Our Families, You Can Ravish Our Bodies, But With All That is Decent and Holy, Don’t Destroy Our Beer!

Damn Trump, why, just why? That question is admittedly pretty open-ended at this point, but specifically I’m talking about the steel and aluminum tariffs and how they’ve jacked up the price of beer cans. There’s currently a lot of bobbing and weaving going on to try and get exceptions for the industry, but we’ll see if anything materializes. As for now, insiders have stated that they’re taking a hit personally, but that some of that is inevitably ending up on the consumer.

Is nothing sacred, you butthole?

Oregon Crime Highlights

• Someone stabbed someone after getting into it about the victim’s dog barking. This was in Montavilla Park, a place I doubt either of us had ever heard of before now.

• Sean Banks, a detective with the Marion County Sheriff’s Office, was busted for selling stolen stuff that…you know, like, someone steals something, the cops seize it…yeah. That stuff. He was selling it.

• A big, ugly bastard named Timothy Emmett Walsh was riding his bike down Glisan St. in Portland when he decided to yell some hateful stuff at a transgender woman and then punched her several times in the face.

• Two people who had been running from Oregon child rape charges were just caught in Mississippi after 20 years on the lam. They were caught because the dude died, and his wife used one of his known aliases at the cemetery. And that’s about it.

• Couple of highlights from the last two weeks’ Forest Grove police logs: Some dude with no teeth was going around trying to start fist fights with people. A super drunk person called the cops about an “intruder” breaking into their home through the roof, which turned out to be a stuffed animal. Someone broke into an RV and told police he had done so because he had to take a piss. And last but not least, a church’s alarm system was tripped by a bunch of bagpipers who were using the space to rock out. 

OPB’s Parade of Ugly Houses
Oregon Public Broadcasting ran a photo gallery piece last week called: “Fixer-uppers for sale in Portland: Can we say ugly?” The author didn’t really take an angle in-text, so one could interpret the article’s purpose as anything from laughing at hideous homes, to providing a resource for someone struggling to find a house they can afford. Though in terms of the latter, not a lot of info was posted to go on if a reader wanted to actually make contact with the realtor. But hey, I’m not here to criticize OPB. They’re my jam. What I took away from the piece is the fact that you have to have like $300,000+ to buy a piece of crap that needs serious renovation. That’s just how bad the housing market is up there.

There’s a lot of chatter about how millennials can’t buy homes, and why. Are they lazy? Stupid? Or maybe just saddled with a sh*t ton of student loan debt, after their parents’ generation was fooled into thinking college = money. You hear comments like “Well, they shouldn’t have gone into a field without enough jobs!” Yeah, and the world would be a better place if instead of studying and investing themselves in something they deeply care about, everyone left college with the skills to do what, one in about five different jobs? How is it that we’ve been to the moon, literally have money and resources coming out of our as*es, and our culture still hasn’t figured out that some important things don’t print money.

AHEM. ::clears throat::

I digress. As someone who will likely never own a home, the article was painful to read. Especially when you see the home on there that’s $2 million. Yes, a $2 million “fixer-upper.” Meanwhile you’ve got people living in tents on the side of the freeway, and I know what you’re going to say, but I honestly couldn’t give a rat’s as* about how they got there. It seems insane to me that it’s so difficult for us, as a species, to provide food, water, and shelter for each other. We’ve been to the %&#!@! moon! Trump fired what, like a dozen or something $90 million missiles into the desert last year after warning the Russians and, therefore, the Syrians to move. HOLE. E. F*CK. I’m not even going to do the math on that one.

Anyway, there’s no way to stay on target with this topic. The situation is infuriating, and it’s only getting worse. Just, next time you see a homeless person in Corvallis or anyone else, maybe have a little compassion. Things are not the way they should be.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell