As the State Turns

Fined Person Disputes Fine
Sandra Peterson had been doin’ the whole “vacation rental spot without a license” thing and was hit with a nearly two million buckaroo fine by the state of Oregon. So last month she goes, “I’m suing you, state of Oregon. Because only family members, friends, and that sort of ilk were staying there. And all the money I took in was in the form of supply donations. And so two million is a lot, you poops.”

Who knows, maybe she’s telling the truth. The city of Manzanita, which I both didn’t know existed and is the place this all went down, first notified her like 11 years ago. That’s their justification. No information is available on how much Peterson actually made, so…yep. Drama. You know you love it.

Also, Peterson is from Washington, so…no mercy.

Cocaine: One Hell of a Drug
Steadfast, a Coast Guard ship o’ doom, arrived back in Astoria last Sunday after kicking some as* in the form of seizing over 17,000 pounds of delicious, nutritious, powdery white cocaine. Worth something like $260 million on the street (if you sold it all at once to a young Charlie Sheen), they got most of the snow by scaring the crap out of a speed-fishing-boat (they’re a thing), whose crew eventually dumped it all overboard and got away.

So…I guess they didn’t actually kick any as*. But I bet there’s some drug warlord dude somewhere who is mightily pissed off. After all the goons are paid, that’s probably $200 million take home. That’s a serious amount of cheddar. I literally just tried to look up the price per pound of cheddar cheese, but there’s too many numbers and stuff. You get nothing, sorry.

Weather Report: Oregon Has Been Hot AF
That’s what the kids are saying, you know? AF. Which was in some kind of mainstream commercial a few months back, which makes it okay. Foul-mouthed little wretches. This is exactly why America is the way it is. Cursin’ words and their dirty acronym cousins. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Yeah, I forgot what I was talking about again. It happens (clearly). Anyway: Hotness. And not the Patrick Swayze in his best role ever, Roadhouse, kind of hotness. That hair. I’m talkin’ nasty, sticky, sun murder. Plants dying, sweat through your under drawers between the car door and your apartment door, frat kids staying in town over the summer and getting heat stroke trying to float a styrofoam cooler of sh*tty beer down the river kind of hot. Waiting in line for so long your lips are getting sun burnt, wondering why the hell you’re recycling if the state can’t get enough Bottle Drops built kind of hot. Also, some other clever sentences describing how hot it is in funny ways.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about it. Enjoy that anti-climax while it lasts.

Springfield Cougar
A rare cougar sighting was beholded (new word alert) in Springfield last week by an even rarer sight: a newspaper circulation worker.

And that’s the end of that joke.

Oregon Crime Log
I may not have juicy mugshots for you, but I’ve got these….

• A middle-aged dumpling of a man blew up a pipe bomb in a Portland Fred Meyer two years ago to cover up his shoplifting attempt. That man was just sentenced to 5 years and some change.

• Freakazoid PDX’er Jared Weston Walter of “Imma whack my doodle on the train and cut your hair off” fame was just hit with a parole violation for using a TriMet service. Clearly he’s not supposed to do that.

• Axed by the Clark County Sheriff’s Office for wearing Proud Boys’ gear, ex-Deputy Erin Willey is either extremely talented at irony, or is a dummy.

• Daryl Turner, the Portland Police Association President, went to war with Mayor Theodore Wheeler last week, calling the city a cesspool. Most people agreed when polls started going out. Wheeler responded and said something to the effect of: “I don’t care what people who disagree with me say,” which definitely isn’t helping his case.

• Forest Grove is wacky. Let’s just leave it at that.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell