As the State Turns

If you find yourself behind the wheel in Portland regularly, you may want to pack a sack lunch, a bucket, or some diapers, because HOLY HELL IT IS THE ROADPOCALYPSE. Well, not really, but let’s run with it. Supposedly where I-5 and I-84 meet there will be closures until 5 a.m., Monday, July 23. Admittedly, that does sound bad, but really it just screws over people trying to come down from Vancouver. And in the immortal words of Johnny Beaver, “That’s Washington, so we don’t really care.”

Still, Oregon only has so much excitement, so we’ve got to drum up sh*t where we can. You’re welcome.

Avett Brothers Concert Cancellation
First off… who the hell are the Avett Brothers? Well, luckily you have my research skills at your disposal. If you type “” into your favorite web browser, you’ll be treated to the excessively long personal history of the band you never wanted! Hoorah.

Long story short, they were to play the Edgefield McMenamins last week, but canceled abruptly after learning about a man with a gun on the premises. Reports suggest that the dude packin’ heat set off the metal detectors and was stopped by security. He flashed a badge and identified himself as an out-of-state police officer, however he then took off into the crowd before anyone could confirm it. Avett Brothers fans (they do exist) were pissed off at first, but simmered down after realizing why the show was being shut down.

Here comes the fun part though: McMenamins apparently fibbed at first and said they were having sound issues. And then the Sheriff’s department lied and said they didn’t know what was going on, but later admitted to having been involved in the search for the heat packer. So that’s cool.

As of now, the packer of heat has not been identified. It is unknown whether or not the heat he was packing is still being packed.

Measles in Multnomah
Measles, first spotted in Ancient Sumatra after being planted there by a steampunk British time-traveling mad scientist, is on the rise in Multnomah County, Oregon. Two cases have been found recently, stemming from an unnamed Gresham business where someone apparently traveled abroad and brought it back. Estimators have estimated that 500 some odd people could have now been exposed.

Babies, pregnant women, and complete fools who haven’t been vaccinated are at the most risk. Symptoms include explosive diarrhea, eyeballs shrinking, fingertips popping off, necrosis of the butt cheek, and -10 to Charisma upon rolling less than a 3 (D6).

In case you know someone who seems to be coming down with the symptoms (the real ones…you’re going to have to look those up), please use one of these numbers as facilitated by The Oregonian.

Multnomah County 503-988-3406, Clackamas County 503-655-8411, Washington County 503-846-3594, Clark County 360-397-8182.

State Rep Up to No Good
Janelle Bynum was elected to the Oregon State somethin’ or other House of Representatives a couple of years ago, but what does that really mean? She had the cops called on her last week after being seen creeping around peoples’ houses, knocking on doors, talking to them, and entering stuff on her phone. Highly suspicious, you know…a black woman doing such a thing without a proper uniform (whatever the hell that would look like), a badge, etc. Totally reasonable to have called the cops on her while she canvassed homes in the area she represents, trying to get to know its residents.

It might seem like the woman could’ve gone outside and been like “Hey, what are you doing?” first, but in her defense, that could’ve been dangerous!

Super Fun Time State Crime Update

• Widespread reports still state that the man shot to death by PSU campus police the other week had had a “holstered” weapon, despite video evidence suggesting he was merely using a belt clip, not a holster. Not that it matters, but personally, I depend on the press to maintain an attention to detail in order to clearly navigate issues like gun control and police brutality. It’s especially important in our current cultural climate to minimize the opportunities for people to be able to manipulate the narrative for their own ends.

• Some package thieves were busted in Clackamas County after they were caught following a UPS van around and snagging the deliveries once they were placed. I guess their getaway driver sucks because they ran into a pole while being chased by the coppers. One box burglar got away on foot. Truth be told, I just really want to see a compilation of street cam video of this set to the Benny Hill theme.

• One Michael Ray Powell of Oakland uh…well. Let me simplify: On the fourth, he got really drunk and started beating up his wife, then beat up her father for trying to break it up, stormed off yelling stuff about suicide, ran from the cops and nearly hit one with his car, was shot at by a deputy, and then at some point his wife showed up and screwed with the police as they were trying to arrest him, blocking the cops with her own vehicle and…she was also arrested. And what the &^#@, just don’t move to Oakland because there’s obviously something in the water.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell