As the State Turns

Portland Police Declare Riot, Shoot Guy
Two different events, but in this day and age, who even cares? If you’re going to read a headline and form an opinion without even looking at the text, or researching what’s in it, well… it’s the apocalypse, baby! Everything is going to hell and I don’t even care anymore. In fact, check this out… writing the rest of this without any pants on! Peanut butter smeared all over my face? Check. Listening to some Unleash the Archers so loud my nosy upstairs neighbor will call the cops again? Check.

Er. Now that that has been established…

Last Saturday Portland PD was all like “it’s riot times, bitches!” after the psychopathic (just sayin’) Patriot Prayer Group and anti-fascist counter protesters got into some fisticuffs, instigation by lord knows who (::waves to the Proud Boys::). The rally was initially permitted, having been put together by Joey “the Turd Burgler” Gibson, an all-around douchebag and Washingtonian candidate for the U.S. Senate. By all accounts, the antifa crowd began chucking fireworks and eggs and whatnot at the alt right heroes as they began their planned march (guess it wasn’t the Proud Boys afterall, go figure!), which was responded to by cops shooting people with pepper spray balls.

Whee? Whee.

Not whee: Jason Washington was shot and killed last Friday on Portland State University grounds (sort of) after his gun “fell out of his holster” (it was actually a super insecure clip rather than a holster, like a Clipdraw) and he tried to pick it back up. Washington had been attempting to help break up a racially-motivated fight that erupted outside of delicious watering hole The Cheerful Tortoise. You can view one video that’s making its rounds here:

Judge it for yourself, but keep in mind that this is hardly a comprehensive picture. What I see is a guy clearly trying to help break up a fight, but doing so while openly carrying a firearm… and had apparently brought it to a bar clipped to his pants. I see campus police navigating the situation and not making any attempt to remove the guy with the weapon from the scenario, at least not on video; getting a gun out of the equation would seem a priority. But yeah, Washington loses his balance, falls over. The gun falls off of his pants, he grabs it. Police yell “drop the gun” several times rapidly and then open fire. You can’t see most of that last part, so it’s hard to tell exactly what gesture may have made the police fire.

I don’t know what to think, and so I’m not going to jump to any conclusions. However, I do sympathize with those of the #disarmpsu movement, who has been fighting the ruling to arm campus cops for a few years now. At the same time, the campus is located downtown, in the middle of an area that seems to have its fair share of crime.

What I do know is this:

PSU first voted to arm campus cops in 2015.

A reasonable solution is only going to be made through compromise, but the PSU administration seems particularly unwilling to do so on a number of different issues.

Both police, freshly armed as of 2016, are on administrative leave.

I also know that Washington, a navy vet, won’t be going home to see his wife and three daughters. Getting political rather than factual here isn’t going to help anyone, though I guess nothing is going to help his family either way.

Beavers Baseball Come Home After National Victory
That’s right! They whipped all of the as*es. Every as*? Whipped. A major congratulations to the team, and I’m choosing to slap it right here at the end of a particularly depressing As the State Turns, because why the hell not? If you can’t handle the awkward, this column probably isn’t for you.

Maybe OSU will get its as* in gear and the team won’t even have to crowdfund upgrades to their own stadium anymore! Because seriously, that’s sad. These folks bust their asses and make it fun to be into OSU sports. And I don’t even like sports. So take that.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell