As the State Turns

Toxic Algae Spreading With Heat? Say It Ain’t So!
Only you can’t, unless you’re dumb, because it is so. And taking that into account, I’m wondering why entire articles in regional media outlets are being singularly dedicated to this topic. Sure, there’s the water crisis in Salem taking center stage, but is there so little information to go around that we’re trying to slice this thing up into little pieces just to keep it coming? I dunno, maybe I was bestowed with ancient knowledge from a kind weasel-riding-a-wombat spirit at the time of my birth, or I’m part of the Pleiadian Agenda or something, because warm temperatures leading to algal blooms (and blooms of all sorts) seems to = obviousness. In fact, the only thing that doesn’t seem to bloom when the sun comes closer to baking us all to death is my attitude. This heat really pisses me off. Also, I ^@!%#@! hate bugs (see: this week’s “Linn-Benton Backwash”).

For some information that’s actually useful: we’re probably not going to see the end of this water problem in Salem anytime soon. But you probably have already guessed that.

Portlanders Occupy Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE)
Ah, immigration. Joy!

Let’s spitball for a moment. The common naysayer refrain seems to go like this: “Well, they’re coming here illegally, so why not detain them?” That’s a legit question – if you’re unwilling to look into the issue beyond ten-second news clips. Though Trump’s anti-media rhetoric is clearly based on nonsense, some of this is on the news outlets, because the likes of CNN, HuffPost, etc. are overflowing with bullsh*t headlines in an attempt to clickbait their way into a financially solvent business model. But let’s not go there, because this paper isn’t big enough for that can of worms.


Even if you want to split hairs over what’s legal and what isn’t vs. asylum-seeking vs. criminal behavior stuff, there’s still the whole WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS FOR F*CK’S SAKE thing. What is and isn’t decent doesn’t seem as confusing as it is made out to be, and it seems prudent that we occasionally recognize the difference between what’s legal and what’s right. I personally believe that dehumanizing people because they were born on the other side of an invisible line we drew after killing the geographic incumbents is a little… rash. Americans seem totally unaware of their own mortality, and through that have become way too comfortable with treating other people like subhumans. Life is singular and brief and really, really sucks for a large number of people. Clinging to an ideology based on nothingness – because not having an easy answer is hard – does not make something okay.

While I might be crazy and talk about poop a lot (and this column is rarely serious), at least with the above I’m not alone. The tremendously-buried lead here: a crapload of people occupied the street around ICE headquarters in Portland, on the 25 specifically, to make this clear. This as Donald Trump announces his intention to do away with judges, courts, and due process as a whole for people crossing the border without papers. And while I’m sure some of the protesters were uninformed as well, how about we all question what the facts are, why people want what they want, and what kind of country we want to be?

Because holy sh*t, what is going on?

I Don’t Care Much About Sports, But…
The Oregon State University Beavers beat the pants off of the Mississippi Whatever-They-Are in baseball stuff last week, and this means they will be starting a best-of-three tournament against Arkansas Something-Or-Other on Monday as part of a Finals thingy. As in, last Monday. I know, sports are confusing.

Anyway, the whole state is jazzed about this, and especially us here at The Corvallis Advocate. Congratulations, local team of choice! Don’t let us down horribly in the final. Or if you do, at least make it a spectacular loss. Not saying I want to see a Zinedine Zidane style headbutt or anything… that’d be wrong.

Super Rad Oregon Crime!
While the brass may not let me stoop to running mugshots, at least I can do this every week for a while!

• Some losers from Beaverton admitted last week to screwing around with fake visas in order to get foreign cooks to come over and make tasty stuff for peanuts. They even ripped the people off by making them pay insane amounts for their own travel. The two kooks (see: not cooks) behind the scheme are Tanya and Paul Jumroon, and they suck, and now you know.

• Also in Beaverton is cosmetic surgeon extraordinaire George S. Allen who has been accused of sexually abusing at least six women by way of his practice. Maybe avoid his Nu U Laser Centers. Also, here’s to hoping he is also indicted for his crimes against spelling.

• Like your kids slapped around and left to hang out in their pee-pants? Then you might want to check out Hillsboro resident Merlinda Avalos’s home, because inside of it, she did just that with a few young children under her care. I’m sure she was spending her checks from the state on really important stuff, though… and that’s why the kids were also being poorly fed, confined to a room, and forced to pee in jars. Makes sense. Piece of sh*t.

• Last but not least, if you live nearby, you might know of Bridgecreek Memory Care in Lebanon. An 82-year-old woman with Alzheimer’s disease died a week and some change ago after being abandoned outside on a particularly hot day. This is not the first time Bridgecreek has been in hot water, and so the Oregon Department of Human Services decided to hit them with a restriction that prevents them from being able to take on new clients until an investigation has been completed. Bridgecreek claims that the woman wasn’t outside for long, but when you’ve had over a dozen neglect-related issues in just a few years, one starts to wonder.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell