As the State Turns

Breaking News That’s Not Really New And It’s About Housing
According to a new article from Oregon Public Broadcasting, well… here’s the headline: “A 1-Bedroom In Oregon Is Now Unaffordable For The Average Worker.”

And here’s my response: no sh*t, Sherlock.

I started my renting adventure in Oregon back in 2011, and while the pickings were slim, you could find a place for $550-600. Now? Those apartments arr (pirate typo… leaving it) over $800, if they’re even still standing. You know what I’m talking about, Corvallisites! Mmm, gentrification. The cold, hard pang of middle-class white people trying to escape other middle-class white people, and through the miracle of nature, create new groups of middle-class white people that want to move away from each other. Well guess what? Turns out, I’m not middle-class, because I’ve got to share an apartment with three weirdos, three cats, and an angry purple potato plant just to survive – and it’s not even just because print media is going the way of the dinosaur and/or nobody cares about anything I have to say.

Besides, you care. I know you do. This is paragraph four and you’re still here.

Anyway, life sucks. If I get desperate enough I’ll probably have to eat that potato.

Oregon Ethics Commission Does Hilarious Thing
It’s times like these that I love covering state news. Get this: Oregon has this thing called the Oregon Government Ethics Commission, and their entire job is to police the “doings” of our state’s fine public official-types. They’re basically the hall monitors for our regional government, which makes them massive dorks. But it is starting to look like they’re not merely massive dorks, but hypocritical as*wipes.

In summary: Beaverton woman wanted the state to look at some high school coaches that have private sports doohickeys on the side. While this isn’t illegal, some evidence was gathered that shows a few coaches using their access to public facilities for these doohickeys, and also threatening kids to “join the club or you’re not on the school team! Rarr!” This is, of course, sh*tty. The woman in question (Linda Nezbeda) gathered evidence for literally years and went to the school board, which was taking forever, so she jumped ship there and contacted the ethics folks I mentioned above. Sounds good, yes?

Only the ethics commission all voted to not investigate. Why? According to them, Nezbeda was a “volleyball watchdog” and one of the coaches simply had made a “rookie mistake.” These quotes and others made it out via a recording of the official session, after which the ethics commission, in all of their glory, requested that the audio be destroyed and if they could not record future meetings – or if they were recorded, to be kept away from the public. According to commissioner Kamala Shugar, “I don’t think it’s in the best interests of the people who come before the commission for those to be placed on the internet to be available willy-nilly.”

Yep, that was definitely “willy-nilly” you just read. Because people say that in real life.

Now, I never took an ethics course in my schoolin’ days (which continue, because FML…), but I feel like there’s somethin’ nimbly-bimbly about all of this. Something a little… flimmity-flammity.

A little turdly-burgley.

A little… okay, I’m done.

Crimestuffs to Ruin Your Day
Because we all like a good old-fashioned ruined day now and again:

• A daycare worker from Beaverton was just busted for alleged sexual abuse of two children.

• A teenager from the McMinnville area was arrested for murdering his grandfather by setting his house on fire and making off with fifty grand stolen from relatives. He was arrested alongside another teen who is being held for arson and theft.

• Some guy from Bend pleaded guilty to shooting a swan.

• A woman was apprehended after being mistakenly released from jail in the Grants Pass area. Because people are mistakenly let out of jail now and again.

And that’s probably enough for now.

A Bit O’ the Good Stuff
The Portland Pride Parade screwed up traffic pretty bad last Sunday, but that’s because it pulled an estimated 60,000 people in support of basic human dignity. There was, of course, about a dozen people there holding idiotic “GOD SAYS YER BAD” signs, but nobody really paid attention to them. Also, to those duders… you might want to jazz up your signs a bit. There’s no excuse for that font treatment, honey.

All reports indicate that this was the biggest Portland Pride celebration yet, and with any luck it will only grow.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.


By Sam Campbell