As the State Turns

Salem Water Crisis, Part Deux
“BEWARE! Our mistake! THERE’S DANGER. It’s all better now. NEVERMIND!”

If Salem were Donald Trump, and you condensed all of the back and forth on the water toxicity situation into a tweet, it might look like that. Only, Donald Trump… so dumber, and in the parlance of a 12-year-old boy.

Is there a danger regarding Salem’s water right now? I don’t know, when is now? And while we’re at it, what exactly is a cyanotoxin? I know I told you last week they were butt-exploding diarrhea monsters, but according to Wikipedia, “Cyanotoxins are toxins produced by bacteria called cyanobacteria (also known as blue-green algae). Cyanobacteria are found almost everywhere, but particularly in lakes and in the ocean where, under certain conditions, they reproduce exponentially to form blooms.”

I stand corrected, it seems. The danger is in the peepoo of the butt-exploding diarrhea monsters.

So far nobody with the word “official” in front of their name has come out and said “Don’t worry, when we lift the advisory this time, it’ll be for realsies.” This is just our world now, I guess. #trumpsamerica

Portland’s Not-Coolest Cooler
Have you heard of this whole “Coolest Cooler” thing? I hadn’t, but apparently it holds the 2nd place title for extra bestest fan-favorite thing on Kickstarter, ever. Yes, even more popular than the StubStopper(TM) Toe Armor. The damn thing raised $13 million on the promise that the little box would not only keep your drinks cool, but provide a blender, bluetooth speakers, and lord knows what else. Personally, I’d just save my $200 and shove all of the margarita ingredients in my mouth and shake my head really hard, but to each their own.

Clearly the Portland-based project got funded and they were off to a great start, only reality, and math, started to weigh in. Apparently they were unable to meet the orders of all of the people who backed them, and are now facing a 20,000 unit backlog. There has been a court settlement, and blah blah blah. You can look the details up yourself, I’m not your momma! What I want to know is… seriously, why the hell do so many people want this cooler? This 20,000 unit backlog was reported after something like 40,000 units had already been shipped. Holy smokes, that’s more than the population of Lake Oswego.

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Wait, didn’t I already ask that question this week?

Food Cart Mayhem
Islam El Masry is probably a good guy. But when one customer tried to pay for her order in change, he apparently freaked out and threw a plastic bottle at her, as well as flung some hot sauce in her face. And by apparently, I mean…he did. It’s on video. Here ya go:

I’d like to make some jokes here, like, “in his defense, the cart is called Small Pharoah’s Egyptian and New Yorker Food,” or “why complain about free Gatorade?!”… but uh, no. Sorry first sentence up there, this guy seems like kind of a piece of sh*t. Also, WTF is “New Yorker” food? McDonald’s and rat?

Hashtag Booyakasha.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Anthony Clark
A dude from Grants Pass recently stole a car that was about to be towed, quite literally right in a bunch of cops’ faces (apparently he said “I’m stealing this car,” too), and then successfully ran from them for over 40 miles. He went the wrong way down a bunch of streets, ran over fences, attempted to ram a police car, etc. What could possibly have led Mr. Clark on such a dangerous adventure, spitting in the face of law and order like that?

LSD, it seems.

Yep. Clark had dropped acid, and claims to have thought he was playing real life Grand Theft Auto. Normally I’d feel inclined to doubt him, but: Stealing right in front of the cops? Check. Going the wrong way down the road? Check. Running over fences? Check. Causing other cars to spin out? Check on that one too.

Seems legit, though it doesn’t seem like he did that thing where you get going really fast and then bail out of your car and watch it run over a bunch of stuff. I guess we’ll just have to let the judge sort this one out.

Goddamn, Clark. You fool.

Next time get the helicopter. It’s usually on top of the hospital.

Well, That Can’t Be Good
A work crew of some sort found a skull just off of an I-5 ramp last Wednesday. Now you tell me, what’s worse: The fact that it was human, or the fact that nobody could find any other bones in the area? So far there’s literally no information yet discovered about the person the skull belonged to, and so authorities are reaching out for tips.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell