As the State Turns

First and foremost this week, I’d like to thank the outpouring of support that I’ve received from the community. Unfortunately, I can’t, because all I got was one message that said “I WANT JOHNNY BEAVER BACK,” and it was sent from his email address. Still, I won’t be discouraged. We’ve got a great rest of the year ahead of us, full of straight talk and real news.

This Week in Oregon…
Here are some quick event summaries to catch you up on the latest Oregon happenings.

• Art Robinson wins Republican primary, announces that contrary to popular belief, he did not eat his twin in the womb. He’s actually the twin that was eaten.

• John Kitzhaber announces new line of blue jeans, Cronies. These limited edition bunhuggers are unfortunately only available to politicians, but the first 100 pairs will come with a free pair of Dad sneakers and a mustache. Also, purchasers will be run out of office and replaced with Kate Brown, and then people will write funny articles about it. Woah… this is like Inception!

• This is a little bit old, but did you know Portland has a “Poop to Power” project? Because they do. And they’re turning people’s poop into electricity. After some careful research, I’ve learned that they do this by rubbing it together really fast between their hands. You’d think there would be a better way, but I’m no scientist. I only hold degrees in Street Justice and Ninjutsu.

• The city of Philomath announced last week that the 40 millionth car has passed through without stopping, “except for maybe at Dairy Queen,” on their way to somewhere better. Congratulations from all of us here at The Corvallis Advocate!

• I drank five different caffeinated beverages on Thursday and it didn’t help at all. Please folks, vote Yes on Proposition 208 and let’s get medical cocaine legalized!

John Legend Gets Up in Our Beeswax
“Hey Oregon, you might not realize that your district attorney is one of the most powerful elected officials in your state…”

That’s the vile quote that amateur musician John Legend recently lobbed at our proud populace. It’s like duh, we know that. Obviously it’s a top military post, and without the Oregon Paratroopers there’d be no way to protect us from Central American ninja furries.

Why did he say it, though? I’ve got no idea, I don’t read celebrity stuff. That’s for dummies.

Trimet Pisses Everyone Off
Last week Trimet shut down the Blue and Red line in between the Library and Goose Hollow stops for repairs or maintenance or something (likely story…). They provided shuttles in between the stops going both ways, but too few and far between. The result? Hundreds of people waiting, waiting, waiting, shoving each other just to get on an over-capacity train after adding an hour to their trip. I was cut off and nearly run over by a woman in a motorized wheelchair… and while I kept my cool like the cool customer I am, not everyone did. Here are a few quotes I jotted down during the extended trips:

“Trimet can suck my ****.”

“Trimet is always pulling this ****, I’ve had it.”

“I hate Trimet.”

“What the **** is going on? Got too many people up in this *****. ****. I mean, seriously. **** this.”

“I think there’s piss on my seat. Yeah, that’s piss. At least I’m not standing this whole time I guess.”

“I don’t buy it that everyone dies, at least not Spiderman. That was ****** up. He’s a kid. Something is going to happen to bring them all back. There’s no way Marvel would do that, they’d get boycotted. Plus, Hulk should’ve been able to take Thanos.”

Trimet… I think we can safely say: lesson learned.

PDX to Improve Sidewalks After Lawsuit
The city of Portland just agreed to dump $113 million into sidewalk improvements over the next decade or so in order to comply with standards set by the Americans with Disabilities Act. It’s sad that it took legal proceedings to get this done, but also hardly surprising. In all fairness to the city, we know that like a third of those in wheelchairs are just faking it. Still, to put things into perspective, less than half of the curbs in PDX have cutouts. Taking your motorized scooter off of sweet jumps is awesome, but it probably gets old after a while.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell