As the State Turns

Gun Violence GTFO
Last Friday, bazillions of kids took to the streets, including some Oregon streets. I took the Blue line downtown, stuffed in there like a sardine in a big mess of other sardines (that were all on their cellphones), sacrificing my personal freedom and time to be the best journalist I could be. For you!  I conducted a number of painstaking interviews, despite having forgotten to wear my chastity belt (Art Robinson had been sighted in the area), but realized too late that they were gathering to protest guns, not to celebrate 420. Damnit, no wonder they seemed confused by my questions. Oh well, I know my readers. If you cared about competence, you’d be reading… something else, I guess. Like scientific studies and crap. Or the closest legit news source, which I believe is in Salem.

Oh snap.

Anyway, it’s nice to see the Oregonian youth mobilizing (as well as all of the old people mixed in there). I didn’t have to live in fear the way they did; it’s unimaginable. As I sit here typing right now, I’m not doing jack sh*t to help steer our culture into a better lane, but they are. That’s impressive. And coincidentally annoying, because I couldn’t get through this segment without having a serious moment.

This is coming from someone who was booed in a German theater during Goblet of Fire because I couldn’t stop laughing after Harry reappeared with Cedric’s corpse, just as the tournament audience began cheering.

The Week In Crime: PDX
SPRINGFIELD. Isn’t that how it works in the pro news, you say the city name first? Anyway, in that place, a 12-year-old kid is looking down the barrel at some real-life crime charges after she allegedly passed out pot candy in a less-than-accidental way. The kids reportedly felt sick and had to be taken to the emergency room. That’s not really what pot does to you, but okay. Personally, if I were a parent, I’d be a little concerned that they were instead laced with pink eye. Drugs are bad and sh*t, but poop in the eye is a gateway for putting it other inappropriate places. Believe me, I know. You don’t think I’m writing goofy satire for a living because I enjoy it, do you? I’ve been to some dark places, folks.


Old guy, Dennis Merkel, is currently eating some fraud charges for trying to rip off NASA over the course of a decade. Apparently, he ran some sort of business that did a bad thing, and then rewrote the records to make the thing seem good. I guess his stuff was used to make NASA rocket launchers and whatnot. You really don’t want to be caught in a firefight with some rogue Nausicaans with a faulty space rocket.

Some kind of “secret” raid on drug dudes by police went haywire, and everybody is all like, “uh, we shouldn’t do these secret raid things because they’re dumb,” but some people are all for it and… there you go. It’s actually pretty nuts, and you should know about it in detail: Er… clearly that link is ridiculously long, so just use your Google. Use it with all of your might.

A former mayor of Winston (I hadn’t heard of it either), Kenneth Barrett, was convicted of trying to coax a 14-year-old girl into a sexual encounter via Facebook. In the messages he described himself as “71 with the mind of a 17-year-old and the energy of a 12-year-old,” which is both gross and physically impossible with current transplant technology. Enjoy prison, holmes!

A woman was busted after engaging in an armed standoff with cops in Beaverton. Apparently, she sucks at standoffs because it only lasted five hours. Now that I think about it, that’s exactly the amount of time it would take to exhaust an average supply of Rolling Rock and off-brand frozen corn dogs. Coincidence? Nope.

Look Pa, Wolves! Pew pew pew pew pew!
Some official Oregon wildlife people sniped a couple of wolves from a heli-chopper the other day, total Sarah-Palin style (only they didn’t get out and ask the pilot to take pictures of them together in funny poses). The story is that the wolves were threatening cattle, and we can’t have that. We are the only ones who get to threaten cattle!

As you know, wolves are hotly debated dogs-but-not-really animals. It’s kind of a three-way battle between environmentalists, the state, and death merchants. I mean ranchers. That’s all well and good, whatever, I don’t care.

What I do care about is this: We all know wolves don’t eat cows, they eat pigs, right? So, what the hell is going on… who funds this conspiracy?

Okay, that joke was stupid. I’m out.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Johnny Beaver