As the State Turns

Kate Brown, Child Warrior
Writing that headline just made me want to quit my job and watch the Beastmaster movies over and over again until I starve to death. Okay, so it wasn’t just the headline.

Anyhow, Kate Brown signed a neato piece of legislation into law last week that has daycare businesses who abuse children shaking in their boots. HB 4065 funds a big expansion to the state’s ability to be all like “hey, stop starving little Jimmy. Also, Franklin should be wearing gloves while he fixes your lawnmower.” The Office of Child Care will be getting a bunch of new employees, though we don’t know how many yet, and fines will be transformed from a $1,000 per quarter “no matter what” limit to $2,500 per pop. Pop being a violation, not your Dad. Leave him out of this.

The Oregonian was quick to point out that this comes after their “extensive coverage” on the matter last year, and, well, yeah. It did. That’s why you need newspapers, fool. That and your bird cage isn’t going to line itself.

Related, you’ll be excited to know that the pages containing As the State Turns and Linn-Benton Backwash will start to be printed with an extra softening compound so they’ll stop scuffing up your as* when you wipe. We are hoping to get that rolled out by the end of Spring!

The Return of Nancy Shurtz
The University of Oregon law professor nearly sharted all over her career two years ago when she wore blackface to a Halloween party. Having said she was trying to stoke the fires of dialog regarding racism, her costume was supposed to represent Dr. Damon Tweedy, who wrote a popular memoir about his experiences with racism in the medical world. Well, she totally succeeded. And after somewhat of a forced sabbatical, she’s back and ready for teaching action. I suppose as long as she doesn’t show up wearing a Native American headdress, she should be fine.

Poor decision, lady. I hope you used your time off to audit some anthropology courses.

PDX CRIME WATCH (imagine blue and red lights and sirens)
In the last week…

• A man in his 20s shoved a 78-year-old woman on the ground for apparently no good reason, causing her minor injury. The police arrested Justin Dean Ames. Ames, homeless, told the court that he has PTSD and schizophrenia diagnoses.

• Portland resident and “Copblaster” website administrator Cyrus Sullivan mailed a threatening letter to a U.S. District Judge, part of which claimed that he was handing out the address to other inmates. Previously it was reported that Sullivan had offered a fellow inmate something like $200,000 to kill the judge and some other officials. The Copblaster site lists personal information about law enforcement peeps alongside complaints about them.

• Not quite in Portland, though it may as well be, a man in Happy Valley shot someone with a nail gun. The injuries appear to have not been life-threatening, but damn. A nail gun?

• Some dude from Beaverton (also may as well be Portland) just got 5 years in prison for his 10th – count ‘em – DUII. Maybe prison is necessary, but something tells me this guy might need another kind of help. TEN DUIIs. Ten.

He Had Raised This Moose Since Birth, But You Wouldn’t Believe What Happened Next
To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what comes next after this headline. I never click those things. However, in an effort to try and be more like a professional news source, I’ve added this in here. Does it sufficiently look enough like it might be part of the news cycle?

Conspiracy Theorist Sheriff Bares All
Sort of. He says he was the victim of revenge porn. Either way, anyone who happened upon a fake page that was set up to look like his own last week saw Douglas County lawman John Hanlin without pants on, thrusting his junk at the camera covered in a sign of some sort that said “Lit Saturday.” Aside from a popular hiphop night at an LA club, we don’t know what the hell that means. Either way, it happened. And Hanlin, who is in possession of one hell of a haircut, is not the only one that wishes it hadn’t.

Hanlin, who says he doesn’t believe the conspiracy theory, once shared a video claiming that the Sandy Hook shooting was staged by the government as a way to force disarmament. A gun control advocate, Hanlin wrote at the time “This makes me wonder who we can trust anymore. Watch, listen, and keep an open mind.” Whatever you say, buddy. Sounds like that may have been a more appropriate comment for your nude post.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.
By Johnny Beaver