As the State Turns

Oregon Goes Neutral
As per usual, Oregon is jumping on board the “smart states” bandwagon by doing a smart thing when other states are… doing a… smart thing. Okay, that was rough, but you get me. In this case, the Governator Kate Brown just signed a piece of legislation that aims to reward businesses for not screwing over their own customers by selectively rationing network bandwidth to benefit / hamper allies and competitors. Yep, this is the world we live in. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.

Where House Bill 4155 (a creative title…) shines is in its ability to force state and local government groups to only work with Internet providers that leave the flood gates open instead of doing the aforementioned “screwing their own customers” thing. This means that all of the state workers watching Netflix on their lunch breaks will still be able to do so simultaneously without slowdown. 

They may one day have to pay way more for the service because Comcast or whoever else decides to go Full Capitalist and charge Netflix a premium for bandwidth, but we’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, nobody in the Salem capitol building will have to resort to grainy YouTube videos while they’re pooping. There’s nothing like sailing the smooth porcelain seas while catching Legend of the Naga Pearls (which is a great bit of Chinese fantasy cinema, by the way… totally recommend it).

Some pencil-pushers have suggested that the new law could eventually be overturned, but who knows. Currently Oregon and a number of other states are suing the FCC for not fiddlin’ their danglers properly while moving to dismiss net neutrality rules as well. Is it split along party lines? Of course it is. It’s a circus, and could go either way.

Personally, I think Republicans will jump ship the first time their PornHub videos start loading slowly. Not that a guy in a T-Rex suit having sex with a woman on roller skates isn’t worth the wait.

Screwed For Doing the Right Thing
Say you’ve got a cop … been on the force a while. Done some great work, maybe anyway, but has started sucking. Or did some kind of measurable bad. An officer that was performing, shall we say, poorly. What would you want to happen?

A. Nothing.
B. Ice cream.
C. Other cops to notice and say some sh*t.
D. Poopapoo!

Not that I don’t want ice cream to happen, but the correct answer is C (I have no idea what the hell D means).  And that’s exactly what Sgt. Matt Swanson of the Clackamas County Sheriff’s did in regards to Detective Jeff Green. Whatever the complaint was, apparently Green was never interviewed in relation to the complaint, and had a big party thrown for him when he retired in 2015. In turn, Swanson says he was bullied, harassed, falsely investigated by internal affairs, pressured to cover up crimes, etc. in an attempt to get him to withdraw his complaint.

Now, Swanson has filed a $1.6 million lawsuit, naming a couple of dudes and the entire Sheriff’s Office. Another deputy, Joel Manley, has said he’s about to file one for similar reason, claiming to have been harassed and intimidated for refusing to take part in that bizarre nude photo shoot in the court house last year. You can read more about that in the October 11th, 2017 edition of As the State Turns here:

Idiot Steals Sh*tty Car, Dog
Someone stole a 1992 Honda Civic with a crappy little Yorkshire terrier in it from a Portland parking garage the other day. The dog’s name was Jedi, and it was found by someone and returned to its owner. [Insert clever Star Wars quip here]. The end. What can I say, people like hearing about this stuff. You’re welcome I guess.

Though seriously, who the hell steals a 92’ Civic? It’s almost statistically impossible for their to be a less valuable hunk of crap in the immediate vicinity. They’d have been better off trying to ride that dog out of there.

This Isn’t State News, But…
It’s too good to not give a quick mention. I’m assuming you heard that Trump said he didn’t know about the $130,000 payment to whats-her-face, right? And that he didn’t know where the money came from? This is seriously what we’re being asked to believe: “Without telling me, my lawyer paid this woman a ton of money to shut her mouth about something that didn’t happen.”

Dude may be a great negotiator (#lol), but he’s got to be the world’s sh*ttiest liar. Hilarious.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Johnny Beaver